The NICU

March 14, 2013

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be going on a Respite Retreat in Tennesse with 11 other couples who have lost babies.  I'm nervous and anxious.  I'm not sure how old the other couples babies were when they died, or what they died from, but David and Nancy Guthrie (the hosts of the retreat) say that it will be a time of sharing and hopefully healing.  They have lost 2 babies themselves and serve as a guide on how to go through such a difficult life event as a Christian and find joy and hope in your life without feeling guilty about it.  There have been a few from the retreat that have found me and reached out to me on facebook and another we've learned a little about because we will be sharing a rental car from the airport with them.  I know couple lost a baby in January after she was born, from Group B Strep.  I know I am tested for it at the end of every pregnancy, but other than the fact that the baby recieves antibiotics after its born if you've tested positive, I know nothing else about it.  I know one girl is a teacher a private christian school and after she and her husband lost their baby, the parents of all her students pitched in to pay for this trip for them.  People are really amazing.  Sometimes it comes out more during tragedy, but I guess that's when you need good people the most.  I'm praying for our trip this weekend and for the grandparents keeping the boys.  I'm nervous about both, but I'm seriously trying to give it all to God, let him take me where he wants and be a willing servant to Him.

When I woke up the next day in the hospital, I was ready to get out of there quickly.  I forced myself out of bed and tried to move around as much as possible.  My doctor came to see me first thing and she was so upset.  She told me that as a doctor she was going to tell me to stay in the hospital another night.  I had a C-section they needed to watch and a traumatic one under general anesthetic at that.  But then she kneeled down next to my bed and just started bawling.  She said as mother (she has a 2 year old little girl), she wanted to let me go and discharge me that day if I wanted, but it was up to me.  She said she trusted my instincts and if I felt I could go, then I should.  I could not be transferred as a patient to the other hospital because of how they pay doctors or something... So I would be discharged and trusted to call her if I thought anything might be wrong.  Originally, everyone was telling me that I should just stay another night to be on the safe side and make sure my staples got taken out.  To be honest, that's kind of what I was thinking I would do... be safe.  But after talking to my doctor and my mom a little, it kind of hit me how serious Molly's condition actually was.  There actually was a chance we would not come home with a baby, not even in a month or two.  When I had that realization I decided I would take a shower on my own, which took me like an hour because I was moving slow and removing bandages and it was just really hard, but after that I was packing my things and I was out of there.  By the time I took a shower and was dressed, packed and discharged it was about 7 p.m. and as I was walking out the door a man from the hospitals risk management department came by and wanted to interview about the birth and what happened.  That's when I started to realize that this whole thing may have had a chance of being avoided.  At the moment, I don't know why, but I thought this guy was getting my story because he was on my side.  Later I realized he was getting my story so he could cover any tracks for the hospital in case a lawsuit was filed.  I hate that I spent my precious time telling him everything word for word.  I guess it doesn't matter though  because doesn't matter who I tell, it's the truth and that's it.  That's all there is. 

I got to the NICU around 8 and went to see Molly.  I think I was expecting her to move more or just be told she was sleeping.  I learned a lot in the NICU and that this whole cooling process was pretty painful.  I cried so much during that week.  This was just unbelievable.  How was this happening to me?  This doesn't even happen to people I know.... it felt like a sad movie, but at least in the movies (most of the time) there is a happy ending.  I was so hopeful every minute I was there the first couple days.  I was sure that if I was patient enough and just kept praying faithfully, everything would be fine.  In a nutshell, the cooling process means that they cool down the body to about 91.3 degrees to let the trauma settle and hopefully heal itself.  It gives the brain a chance to catch up with the body.  After 36 hours they warm the body up and if all goes well you start seeing immediate results.  Anything indicating there is brain activity.  I remember on Wednesday Jeff and I had to have a meeting with Molly's neonatologist and her nurse.  She would be warmed up starting at 7 that night.  There was a high probability that she wouldn't make it through that night and honestly looking back, I don't think the doctor thought she would make it.  They were trying to somewhat prepare us, but I was still completely hopeful.  The NICU made so many exceptions for our family because they knew that Molly's situation probably wouldn't end well.  They told us we could have family members or pastors, whoever we wanted come up there before they started warming her.  We had all the grandparents come and pray over her, all of us together.  Another surreal event.  Then the warming started..

They had given us an empty labor and delivery room to stay in until they needed it, so I had gone back there at some point that night and just remember crying out to Jesus.  I had never been in so much pain and I needed him to let Molly live.  I needed Him to carry her through this night of warming.  I promised to tell her all about Him and make sure she knew what a miracle she was if he would just get her through this night.  Jeff and I both stayed with Molly all night that night, along with my lifelong friend Shaunna who took the last 3 earliest morning hours, bless her heart.  Morning came and at 7 a.m. Molly was still alive and had a 98.6 degree body temperature.  Praise the Lord!  I was so happy and thankful.  By 8 I was getting to hold her for the first time ever.  It was a beautiful moment where I was so happy she was still with us and so thankful to God. 

First time holding Molly after our all nighter of warming

 The happiness was short lived though because by 2 p.m. her doctor had examined her and even though she had a few positives, she still had not shown any sign of movement or eye dialation or even reflexes for that matter.  They were afraid there might be more going on in her brain than we'd hoped.  They scheduled for her to have an MRI that afternoon and just like that, we were on our knees again.  We prayed before, during and after that her MRI would come up clear and the next day, Friday, we found out it did.  It came up clear, there was no bleeding or any indication of other trauma.  I thought this was good until the neurologist came to talk to us.  He said usually they don't even schedule an MRI until 7 - 10 days after the trauma and it had been 4.  Looking back now, I think he and Molly's doctor were really just doing whatever they could for me because they saw our pain.  I decided (or assumed I guess) that we'd schedule and MRI for Monday and we'd wait until then.  I guess they had already taken such extreme measures with Molly that they just really didn't see a need in waiting until Monday.   I feel like I knew what was coming next in the back of my mind, but I was still completely unprepared for it.  Late Friday afternoon, we had to have another meeting with Molly's doctor and nurse.  They told us that they felt their only option at this point was to start taking some of things keeping her alive away one by one and little by little to see how she did.  They wanted us to think about Molly's quality of life when we were making decisions.  I remember sobbing in this little room with them and telling them over and over that I don't want to cut her life short if there were any chance at all.  I didn't want to give up because we weren't patient enough.  I didn't want to throw in the towel if there was even the smallest of small chances she'd wake up.  I didn't want her to be hooked up to a machine her whole life, never having opened her eyes or spoken a word or breathed a breath of air on her own either.  I definitely feel that would be me insisting that God was wrong and it's not her time.  Who am I to say that?  God is always right.  God always knows when it's your time.  He knew when He would call us home before we are born, before we are even conceived!  Who am I to try and stop him from taking Molly home with him?  At the same time, if she had a chance to live, I had to give it to her and I did not want to cut that chance short.  I said this over and over and I really believe that's why the doctors let me have the amount of time I did with her.  They knew I did not intend to keep her alive on my will, but of God's.  Molly's doctor and many of her nurses were strong praying christians which I thank the Lord for now.  Not only did they understand us and cry with us, but they prayed with us and even had their own friends and family praying.  I LOVED everyone there.  Molly's doctor even came to the funeral. 

After that conversation Friday, I kind of knew that it was inevitable that Molly would not ever see her room or play with her brothers or drink the breastmilk I'd been pumping since she was born.  There were so many things she would not be doing, but I had to make the most of our moments from here on out.  I had my mom bring Logan and Hunter to the hospital that night because I wanted them to have some pictures with her.  Someone had also told us about a charity at the hospital where a professional photographer will come take professional pictures of you and your baby.  It's for families where the baby either has not or will not live.  This is an amazing charity in my opinion.  It's one of things I treasure most from our whole Molly situation.  At a time when the last thing you are thinking about is taking pictures and making memories, someone comes and makes those memories for you anyway because you don't know it at the time, but you want them later.  Jennifer, our photographer came on Saturday in the early evening.  I had cried so much at that point that, even though I knew this was so sad, I had no tears to shed during our session.  I was just so thankful they were doing this and that the boys got to come and be a part of it as well.  I think it's something that they will appreciate later as well.  I cannot even express how excited Logan was for his baby sister.  This whole thing has been a major process of explaining things to him.  On a good note, it has also been a blessing.  it has opened up doors for us to talk to him about heaven and how you get to heaven and about Jesus' love for us.  I think Hunter will appreciate these pictures for the sheer fact that he won't even remember this happening.  A picture will be his memory. 

First picture of all 5 of us, even though all 5 aren't looking at the camera and are barely even in the picture :)

 From Friday until this point I really had just decided not to talk about it.  People would ask me how Molly was doing, what the doctor said that day, what they think.... and I just got to a point where I would say that I'd really just rather not talk about it.  That's where I was at when, on Sunday morning they told us they would be giving Molly a bath (the first she'd had actually, other than a wipe down here and there) and asked if we'd like to help.   Later they began to tell us that they thought it was time and today (Sunday) would be it.  They told us we could bring her a special outfit if we wanted and could get her dressed after her bath.  Another surreal moment.  We told all of our family to go home because this was something Jeff and I were going to do ourselves.  At 11:00 a.m. we got everything set up and began to bathe her.  I loved every second of it.  I loved moving her around and watching Jeff take over with so much.  We brought a pink outfit that we had planned on taking her home in, which was almost too small (she'd gained almost 3 pounds by this time).  We put lotion on her and made her smell good and put a bow in her hair.  They asked if we would like our final moments with her to be in a private room and we said yes.  We went to the room and waited and cried.  They rolled her in in a bed and were pumping her oxygen in by hand.  She was wrapped perfectly in her pink blanket with Logan's teddy bear in tow.  They picked her up and handed her to me then told me whenever I was ready they would take her oxygen tube out and come check on us every 15 minutes until she had passed away.  I turned crying to Jeff and told him that I couldn't tell them to take the tube out, that he would have to do it.  So he did and they left.  She didn't take a single breath on her own.  This was reassurance to me that she was ready to be with God and we had done the right thing.  Looking back, Jeff and I both think that Molly was being rocked in the arms of Jesus when she came into the world, God just let us have a week with her for our own sake.  Thank you God for our week with Molly!!!


First bath

Pretty in pink





Our perfect angel

Mommy's last moments...

Daddy's last moments...

One of my most treasured posessions



Another song we played at Molly's funeral was Jesus Loves Me.  I felt it was appropriate because this was a funeral for a baby and that's a song babies and children sing.  Then I really listened to the words and it really couldn't have been more perfect.  You have probably figured it out by now, but when I write the lyrics out, the ones that are bold and blue are the ones that really speak to me.

Christy Nockels - Jesus Loves Me from bobmarshall on GodTube.

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Jesus loves me, He who died
Heaven's gate to open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let His little child come in
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Jesus Loves me, He will stay
Close beside me all the way
He's prepared a home for me
And someday His face I'll see
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
He loves me, yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so
The Bible tells me so