He was preparing

April 10, 2013

Well, Molly would have been 4 months old yesterday.  It was one of the better monthly birthdays.  Honestly, I didn't even realize it was her 4 month birthday until the boys were taking naps and it kind of made me feel guilty that I didn't wake up thinking about it.  We had a busy morning at the zoo and I lost my wallet and my mind was taken over briefly.  As time goes on, my mind seems to be taken over by something other than Molly more and more.  I suppose that most people would think that's a good thing and I don't totally disagree, but it does leave some feelings of guilt along the way.  I feel guilty because even though I'm not, it feels like I'm forgetting my baby girl.  She could never be forgotten, but the mind (and the devil) have ways of playing tricks on you to make you think this, but in reality you are learning to move forward, not move on (learned this at Respite Retreat), but move forward.   It's almost scary for me to think about.  When I think about where I was at 3-1/2 months ago, moving forward at all seemed unthinkable and impossible.  3-1/2 months is not very long at all and I feel like I've come so far, not to brag too much here!  Haha! I still struggle plenty, don't get me wrong.  I'm still at a loss for words when people I don't know ask me how many kids I have or if I want to try for a girl with two boys already or if we want more kids.  These people don't know me or my situation so I can't blame them, but that's usually when I have to change the subject or take a "restroom break".  I can't even tell you how many conversations or situations I've cried about once I got to my car.  Maybe someday these questions won't sting so much.

Looking back, I really feel like God was preparing us (best as could be prepared... don't think you could ever be fully prepared) for losing our baby girl. He sent us to San Antonio where there were advanced NICU's available to care for Molly.  If we would have been in College Station, they would've had to take Molly to Houston to be cooled and according to our pediatrician in CS (yes, we talked to her about it), she probably wouldn't have made there.  When we moved God gave us a nice big 5 bedroom house with plenty of room in anticipation of the space we would need for visitors during those 2 weeks.  God put us in a financially good place so that we would not have that burden on top of our grief to worry about bills and groceries during the couple of months we were in a fog.  God gave Jeff a good job with understanding supervisors when he was off of work for so long.  God put us close to family that had easy access to us, our boys, the hospital our house and many other things we needed.  God made sure we were surrounded by friends who loved us and supported us and picked up slack of things we couldn't even think of having to handle.  He made sure someone (my parents) were taking care of the boys when I went into labor.  He provided a midwife at the hospital that had a clue of what to do when nobody else did.  Honestly, if I really sit here and think about it, the list could go on and on.  God provided.  God prepared.  I would've never known that day, but looking back I can see it.  And looking forward I can see how he is still providing and preparing.  I had 3 people give me Nancy Guthrie books when Molly died... He was preparing me for a healing retreat.  We received a Christmas gift of money in the exact amount we would need to go on this retreat and a monetary gift from others that was the exact amount needed for our plane tickets.  God provided and prepared.  We felt we needed some sort of counseling and were at a loss for even where to look.  Nancy Guthrie had advised us to start going to a grief support group called Grief Share, where we started in January and now that it's coming to a close, we're afraid not to go anymore.  We love it so much.  God provided and prepared. 

Since the day after Molly died, every time Jeff and I think of Molly we see a ladybug.  It started the day we started planning her funeral, we stopped to get gas and 'Good Golly Miss Molly' was on the gas station radio and a ladybug landed in the truck.  We both started crying.  This ladybug was at the retreat in the room with us the whole weekend and come to find out there were like 20 in the bathtub the 2nd day there.  There are countless other ladybug stories... ask me and I will tell you them!  :-)  This was one of the most special though.

I need to say a thank you again to all the people who have sent messages or emails to me about this blog.  It is so encouraging to hear about all the ways Molly has touched or impacted your lives.  To know that Molly has touched even one soul or strengthened one relationship with God, completely overflows my heart with joy.  Pure joy!  I have a "Molly's Impact Journal" and every time I get a message or a phone call, I write it down.  The words you read come from the Lord.  I've asked Him to work through Molly and myself through whatever means necessary to bring others closer to Him and I believe He is answering that prayer.  I asked for encouragement and He sent all of you for me.  You are all such a blessing to me and I pray your relationship with God grows more and more.  That is really what life is about.  It's hard to see that through a worldly lens, because so much does not revolve around God.  Don't you want to go to heaven though?  Don't you want to see the people you've lost and miss?  Don't you want to live in the paradise God has prepared for you?  Seek out the Lord and He will show you your purpose.  He will deepen your relationship with Him. 

Awhile back, Jeff said he heard a song that portrays how he feels (yes I'm sharing another song!) and I feel the same way. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

I know not everyone agrees I should be putting everything out there that I do on this blog, but if it inspires or brings one person closer to Jesus, then I think it's worth it.  Plus, it puts my thoughts, rants, joys, sorrows and everything in between out there giving it meaning to me.  I don't force anyone to read it, look at the pictures or hear the songs, so if you don't want to see or hear it, don't read it.  That's the beauty of a blog. :-) If you want a deeper conversation or have questions, I'm totally open to that too.