Not every day is hard

April 17, 2013

A few months ago I never thought I'd say those words.  Not every day is easy, but not every day is hard.  In January we started going to a group at church called Grief Share.  When we registered for our Respite Retreat, we knew we needed to do something to address our grief of Molly and Nancy suggested we find a Grief Share group.  They are all over the U.S. and are not just for people who have lost children.  It is a group for  anyone with any kind of loss and it basically shows you how to get through grief without getting stuck in it.  I remember going that first week and crying the whole way there because of nerves and sadness and just the unknown.  Honestly, I thought we'd go one week and it would be a room full of senior citizens (no offense to the older folks out there! Haha) whose family and friends were all dieing and they were sad about it.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  We absolutely did belong and there were people of all ages with all different kinds of losses. In the beginning, the first few weeks there were always new people so every week we would go around the room and you had to introduce yourself and say who it was that you lost.  The very first week I couldn't even get a single word out.  Jeff had to introduce us and say we lost our baby and he could barely get that out himself.  The next 2 or 3 weeks I was able to say the words, but not without sobbing through them.  Now, we have just had our last meeting last night and because there were new people we went around the room and Jeff and I both could do it without batting and eye or even shedding a tear for that matter.  This may seem like no big deal to some, but if you would have seen us before, during and after (especially after) those meetings the first few weeks, you'd know we've come a long way. 

All 3 grandkids wanted in Pop's lap

This past weekend (sorry Megan and Michael... I'm bringing you up again... let me know if you don't want to be in the blog, I totally understand :-)) Michael and Megan (parents to my sweet niece Emma) came back to town.  We went out Friday night and even though there was random heavy conversation here and there that didn't last long, it was just a really fun night.  Honestly, I feel like the fact that they would bring up Molly or just that they had thought about us, just really relaxed me.  I always feel like people are watching me to see if I'm going to have an emotional break down and they are afraid to say anything about the elephant in the room, Molly's death.  I very well could be paranoid, but most won't mention it unless I do for fear of the emotional break down I mentioned above.  For me, just to know someone can talk to me without that fear, whether I do or don't get emotional, makes me feel happier and at ease.  Logan loves Emma so much (Hunter does too, but can't vocalize it as well), so he wanted to go spend the night with her at Nana & Pop's on Saturday and the rest of us would come out Sunday after church.  Sunday was a really good day and I really enjoyed Emma.  At Easter, there seemed to be so much more pressure because I just feel like everyone is always watching me, especially during holidays, to see how I handle them.  I feel like they are especially interested to see my reaction when there is another baby involved and I think that's just a fact of life.  I would be watching to see how someone who just lost a baby reacts a christmas to somebody elses.  It is just not a fun fact of life and I think I probably put more pressure on myself in this situation than anybody else does.  My point is that Sunday was really good though.  I had a moment of pain as we took pictures of the three kids though.  My first thought was Molly would be able to hold her head up like Emma now and the pictures of my 3 kids would be similiar to this.  My second thought was that I wish there were 4 kids sitting in Pop's lap.  My third thought was how amazed I was at how much Logan and Hunter really love Emma and how good they are with her.  They would have been really good big brothers to Molly.  Then, my sad moment passed and I was able to go on with the day. 

"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow."  --Jeremiah 31:13

Some days are so busy that there aren't many sad moments and I guess people call these "good days".  I think they are just busy days.  Some days are just bad and I can't get anything done because I miss my Molly so much and wish I had a daughter to do girl stuff with.  I know you can't do a whole lot of "girl stuff" with a 4 month old, but you can dress them up and put bows in their hair!  Can't do that with Logan and Hunter (even though I've tried before... Haha... They don't like it).  Then there are some days that are mostly good with some sad moments.  I've found that's usually how my days go lately.  I can pretty much fully function after a 20 minute cry session and I'm very ok with that.  Honestly, I feel so proud of that because I don't think I was able to do that in January. 

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

On our last night of Grief Share, we wrote messages to our lost loved ones on balloons and then released them to heaven.

Every post I write is always just so heavy and while I'm writing from the heart and what the Lord lays on it that day, I also feel that you need to know I'm still on that journey to joy.  I'm not at the end (who knows if I will ever be), but I feel like there's been so much progress.  I wanted to lighten things up again and tell you that I'm not always in tears, though they are still there and I'm not always sad, though that is still there as well.  Grief Share last night was all about heaven and that is something that gives me joy in itself.  Something I struggle with though is questioning if I'm more excited to see Molly one day in heaven or seeing Christ himself.  Christ should be my motivation.