Has it been 11 months??

Well, it has not quite been 11 months, but almost.... November 9 will be Molly's 11 month birthday.  I remember thinking at Molly's 1 month birthday that I wish I was at 6 or 12 months out because I couldn't imagine life at that moment not hurting as bad as it did.  I knew surely it was a little more bearable though.  I was right.  It's even kind of hard to admit that.  I don't always even want the hurt to be completely gone, because it makes me feel a false guilt that maybe I'm forgetting my sweet Molly.  I know that would never be true, but Satan can attack your weakest areas and at times and that's one of mine.  The thought that we are having too much fun, laughing too much, haven't been to her graveside enough, don't talk about her enough....  Through those thoughts I can hear the holy spirit whispering to my heart that none of that is true.  I will always love Molly, even if life does get a little easier. 

Obviously if Molly's 11 month birthday is coming up, so is her 1st birthday.  We wanted to do something for her birthday that would bless others the way we were blessed a year ago.  So, for the month of November (and beginning of December) we would like to make a donation in honor of our Molly June to Threads of Love.  Please go to our website, www.MollyJune.org, to learn more about it.  We want to take the day of December 9th this year to help others while we remember Molly.  Please don't feel pressure to do this, but if you can or feel led, please help us.  The Threads of Love chapter that we will be donating to seems to really be struggling and I feel this would be a huge blessing.  Thank you family and friends!  We can always count on you to be there for us!

Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you.   Deuteronomy16:17

P.S. I'm hoping I can start doing a little more blogging again soon.  Since moving we still have not set up any kind of computer and it's not easy to do a lot of writing on an iPad (at least it's not my preferance).   Good night and hope to hear from all of you soon!

Hit with a new wave

The balloons we released at Jon's Run with messages to our kids in heaven

It's been awhile since I've written because I seem to have been quite busy lately, the boys and I have stayed sick the last month, and also because I've spent time just reflecting and thinking.  Now there is a lot on my mind and I want to get it out!  Haha!  Sorry folks.... here it goes...

The littlest race runners supporting Team Molly (there were more, I just wasn't very good at getting pictures)

Emma and her Mommy supporting Team Molly in her pink tutu!  Love it!

 First, we represented Team Molly so well at Jon's Run.  I know she was so proud of all of us!  We had many people come out and participate and support us and just love on our family as we remembered Molly and I'm so grateful for everyone.  We will definitely be doing it again next year, so keep it in mind!!

Logan went home sick and couldn't be in this picture, but we missed him and thought about him... He LOVED his little sister so very much!

I got through Mother's Day and honestly I'm so blessed to have my two crazy little boys.  I know there are those out there who go through losing a child and have no other children and my heart hurts for them just thinking about that.  I have two crazy little boys, but I'm still a mother to three. 

Went to visit our girl on Mother's Day... Miss her so much!  (Btw, we are going to get her headstone done, I'm just apparently too picky)

I know I've talked about how I've learned that grief comes in waves and just when you think you're doing well, you're hit with another wave.  I have been doing well, so you know what that means.... I just got hit with another new and big wave the last couple weeks.  In the beginning, my grief was mostly shock and denial and just thinking how could something this bad happen to us, then I was hit with mounds of sadness the next few months following that.  I was so sad thinking about how old Molly would be, the milestones she would be hitting and just thinking about what she was missing out on.  And if I'm really being honest, I just missed my baby that I didn't get hold very long.  I just wanted to hold her and rock her again.  Molly would've been 6 months old yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long since her birth.  I still miss my girl and think about what she would be doing at this milestone and what color her eyes would be, how much hair she would have and how many battle scars she would've accumulated from her brothers.  While I still have that kind of grief in my head and new kind has entered as well.  I have this new fear for Logan and Hunter and their lives.  Before having Molly, I was the type of person who knew there was risk in life, but that wasn't going to stop me from living.  Now, while I don't think I let those risks stop me from living, they definitely give me anxiety I never had before.  The thought of losing one of my boys shakes me to the core.  I fear making wrong decisions for them from what they eat to where they go to who they go with.  I was telling a friend the other day about a fear I had of turning into traffic one day.  It was traffic hour and I needed to cross the road and go left and all I could think was that if I go at the wrong time, I could cause an accident and take my kids lives all at the same time.  I'm not so crazy (I know it sounds like I am) that I don't go ahead and take the risk, but the thought process I go through that wasn't there before is unreal.  Just another thing God is helping me get through.  I know this is not logical and I know the truth.  I know it's all in God's timing, but the devil works his way into my mind however he can.  Satan can do all he wants to "mess with" the world, but I know that God ultimately holds the keys to death.  Meaning, God decides who and when you walk through deaths door.  Satan and sin may have had a role leading to someone's death, but it's ultimately God who opens that door or keeps it closed.  It is His will and His will alone.  So, while I try to do all I'm capable of to keep my kids safe, if God is ready to call them home there is nothing I can do stand in the way.  I have so often thought that it was a sign that I couldn't find a doctor for so long to let me do a VBAC and that if I would've just "listened" to that sign I would have had a C-section for Molly, probably the week before she came and she'd be here today happy and healthy.  In reality, this isn't the case.  God decided it was time for Molly to come home and the means by which he takes her doesn't make a difference.  He would have found another way to call her home. 

"Do not be afraid.  I am the First and the Last.  I am the Living One;  I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!  And I hold the keys of death and Hades"  (Revelation 1:17-18)

I'm so thankful for a God who has so much love, grace and compassion for me.  I feel like He opens my eyes more and more every day to learn about Him and love Him.  My mind feels so small, like I can never have enough knowledge, can never have enough prayer, can never have enough of a releationship with Him.  He has poured in me a thirst for Jesus and to be like Him as much as I possibly can. I'm so thankful for God's patience the last 30 years (oh yeah, did I mention I recently celebrated a significant birthday??) as I was so stubborn in my relationship with Him.  Only by His grace am I here today.

I hurt so much because I loved so much.  I'm thankful for Molly, for showing me so many things I never knew was in my heart before. 

Team Molly

This weekend is Jon's Run and Mother's Day and I can already feel the anticpation as we lead up to it.  I want it to be a good and memorable weekend, but the worry of too many overwhelming emotions with so many people around is a little intimidating. I am praying for God to get me through it and I believe it may be hard, but will be so good as well.

Jon's Run is a 5K where we raise money to support the Infant and Child Loss Center at Any Baby Can while we remember our children who have passed away.  The first run was held 11 years ago and was started to remember Jon Stephenson, a baby who passed away from SIDS.  I personally feel a special connection to Jon's family because his mommy was my middle school choir teacher at Wood Middle School.  What a small world!  Melissa (Mrs. French... as I still feel I need to call her) has been super encouraging and I can't wait to see her on Saturday! 

We have formed our own Team Molly and have 56 donors and 42 runners that have raised $775!  Wow!  That is so amazing!  We are most definitely praising God!  I'm so excited for everyone to come together Saturday just to celebrate Molly's short life and remember her and it's not too late to register if you still want to.  It's already bringing tears to my eyes.  For our team, we have shirts and bracelets that have Matthew 19:14 on them, which reads, 'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."'  While I do believe that God holds a special place in heaven for babies and children who die young, I think this verse is talking about heaven belonging to people with faith like a child.  Jesus wants us to come to Him without hinderance with absolute faith that he can move mountains.  Thinking about children, you can tell them almost any story and they will believe it to be true (Santa Clause, tooth fairy, cross your eyes and they will stay that way, etc.), but the more the world starts to influence them the less faith they have in that story.  So we chose this verse not only because it shows Christs love of children and heaven belonging to them, but because it shows how Christ's loves us and heaven belongs to those with faith.  It's hard to put the symbolism into words, but I hope you understand.  And these bracelets and shirts will hopefully be a reminder to have absolute faith in God, even when it's hard, because those who do belong in the kingdom of heaven someday. 

Speaking of reminders of faith, I was listening to KLOVE the other day and sometimes God will send a message that is clear as a bell.  It is so easy to get caught up in getting our to-do list done, run the errands, get the kids here and there, pay the bills, etc. that all we want to do is survive, but what we need to be doing is making a concious effort to THRIVE.  Make time in our busy lives to meditate on God's word, spend it in prayer, show God's word to others and just make Him a priority.  The perfectionist in me is always trying to get everything done and be that creative mom that goes above and beyond, but sometimes I just have to let some of it go and re-focus myself on the Lord.  Some of my sweetest, most precios moments in my relationship with God  were the first few weeks after Molly died.  When I feel myself getting too caught up in "surviving", I have to force myself to take a step back because I want to get to that place with God again.  It's a constant, never ending juggle and some are better than others at it.  I have never been great at it, but have to make a concious effort about it.  I just wanted to tell everyone to keep working on your faith.  Some days are easy to fit in and others are so hard.... just gotta keep doing our best and working on it.  It can always get better!

I can't wait to see y'all this weekend!!

Not every day is hard

April 17, 2013

A few months ago I never thought I'd say those words.  Not every day is easy, but not every day is hard.  In January we started going to a group at church called Grief Share.  When we registered for our Respite Retreat, we knew we needed to do something to address our grief of Molly and Nancy suggested we find a Grief Share group.  They are all over the U.S. and are not just for people who have lost children.  It is a group for  anyone with any kind of loss and it basically shows you how to get through grief without getting stuck in it.  I remember going that first week and crying the whole way there because of nerves and sadness and just the unknown.  Honestly, I thought we'd go one week and it would be a room full of senior citizens (no offense to the older folks out there! Haha) whose family and friends were all dieing and they were sad about it.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  We absolutely did belong and there were people of all ages with all different kinds of losses. In the beginning, the first few weeks there were always new people so every week we would go around the room and you had to introduce yourself and say who it was that you lost.  The very first week I couldn't even get a single word out.  Jeff had to introduce us and say we lost our baby and he could barely get that out himself.  The next 2 or 3 weeks I was able to say the words, but not without sobbing through them.  Now, we have just had our last meeting last night and because there were new people we went around the room and Jeff and I both could do it without batting and eye or even shedding a tear for that matter.  This may seem like no big deal to some, but if you would have seen us before, during and after (especially after) those meetings the first few weeks, you'd know we've come a long way. 

All 3 grandkids wanted in Pop's lap

This past weekend (sorry Megan and Michael... I'm bringing you up again... let me know if you don't want to be in the blog, I totally understand :-)) Michael and Megan (parents to my sweet niece Emma) came back to town.  We went out Friday night and even though there was random heavy conversation here and there that didn't last long, it was just a really fun night.  Honestly, I feel like the fact that they would bring up Molly or just that they had thought about us, just really relaxed me.  I always feel like people are watching me to see if I'm going to have an emotional break down and they are afraid to say anything about the elephant in the room, Molly's death.  I very well could be paranoid, but most won't mention it unless I do for fear of the emotional break down I mentioned above.  For me, just to know someone can talk to me without that fear, whether I do or don't get emotional, makes me feel happier and at ease.  Logan loves Emma so much (Hunter does too, but can't vocalize it as well), so he wanted to go spend the night with her at Nana & Pop's on Saturday and the rest of us would come out Sunday after church.  Sunday was a really good day and I really enjoyed Emma.  At Easter, there seemed to be so much more pressure because I just feel like everyone is always watching me, especially during holidays, to see how I handle them.  I feel like they are especially interested to see my reaction when there is another baby involved and I think that's just a fact of life.  I would be watching to see how someone who just lost a baby reacts a christmas to somebody elses.  It is just not a fun fact of life and I think I probably put more pressure on myself in this situation than anybody else does.  My point is that Sunday was really good though.  I had a moment of pain as we took pictures of the three kids though.  My first thought was Molly would be able to hold her head up like Emma now and the pictures of my 3 kids would be similiar to this.  My second thought was that I wish there were 4 kids sitting in Pop's lap.  My third thought was how amazed I was at how much Logan and Hunter really love Emma and how good they are with her.  They would have been really good big brothers to Molly.  Then, my sad moment passed and I was able to go on with the day. 

"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow."  --Jeremiah 31:13

Some days are so busy that there aren't many sad moments and I guess people call these "good days".  I think they are just busy days.  Some days are just bad and I can't get anything done because I miss my Molly so much and wish I had a daughter to do girl stuff with.  I know you can't do a whole lot of "girl stuff" with a 4 month old, but you can dress them up and put bows in their hair!  Can't do that with Logan and Hunter (even though I've tried before... Haha... They don't like it).  Then there are some days that are mostly good with some sad moments.  I've found that's usually how my days go lately.  I can pretty much fully function after a 20 minute cry session and I'm very ok with that.  Honestly, I feel so proud of that because I don't think I was able to do that in January. 

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

On our last night of Grief Share, we wrote messages to our lost loved ones on balloons and then released them to heaven.

Every post I write is always just so heavy and while I'm writing from the heart and what the Lord lays on it that day, I also feel that you need to know I'm still on that journey to joy.  I'm not at the end (who knows if I will ever be), but I feel like there's been so much progress.  I wanted to lighten things up again and tell you that I'm not always in tears, though they are still there and I'm not always sad, though that is still there as well.  Grief Share last night was all about heaven and that is something that gives me joy in itself.  Something I struggle with though is questioning if I'm more excited to see Molly one day in heaven or seeing Christ himself.  Christ should be my motivation. 

A Discouraging Week

April 23, 2013

So I have one more post that was ready to go on Monday that would have brought me up to 'real time' blogs.  However, I just was not feeling the post it just yet, but rather write a new one first.  Last week was rough for many people.  First, there was the Boston marathon bombs and if that didn't get you, there was a fertilizer plant explosion in West that seemed to hit a little more close to home for us Texans.  I remember thinking about the families mostly of people who were injured or killed during these two circumstances and it is heartbreaking.  On Thursday morning as I was driving to Castroville I came across a wreck where they had completely shut down a section of I-35 and as I passed the jack knifed 18 wheeler that was spread completely across the highway and saw all these men in the drizzly rain in the ditch picking up large car parts and such, I couldn't help but cry and then just start praying for all these people from the entire week and their families.  My heart was so heavy for them because these are life changing events for some people while the rest of the world will watch the news in shock for a brief moment and then move on with their lives as if nothing has happened.  People will remember it briefly, but there are others who will wake up every day for the rest of their lives affected by these events.  I know that's how I feel about Molly so many times.  The rest of the world seems to be able to pick up and keep going while I'm stuck over in my grief over my baby girl because while it was tragic for others to see, it has completely altered my life. 

God never intended for us to experience death and suffering the way we do.  Some people ask how a good God could let tragic events like this happen and the simple answer is sin.  Sin happened. 
"Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man [Adam], and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned."(Romans 5:12)
God intended the world to be beautiful and perfect, but we are sinners so God's new plan was Jesus. (Not that it was really a new plan to Him, he knew we would sin.)

I think something we need to remember during tragedy is that God is sovereign and good.  He is a good and loving God amidst everything bad.  And oh my how I have struggled with the questions of 'why would a good God do this to me' and 'what did I do that was so bad to deserve this punishment of having my baby girl die before ever really knowing life'.  God did this because Molly had served her purpose and the days that God specified for her before she was born were up.  It was a way to bring people closer to Him.  And neither Jeff nor I sinned so bad that we had to be punished, we were chosen.  I don't know why and I don't necessarily like it, but we were.
"Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin." (Deuteronomy 24:16)
I don't know the purpose for these tragedies this week, but God has one.  And these are just the tragedies we saw... there are probably many others from this past week that we don't even know about.

"There are only two things I can do in respect to God in a time of grief: I can move toward Him or I can move away from Him." (Dr. Paul David Tripp)

Ever since Molly died, I feel acutely more aware of pain and suffering and just really "feel" for people who are going through a hard time.  My emotions are on a totally different level these days.  Before Molly died, I would have seen the tragedies this week and been sad for a moment and then moved on with my day, yet again thankful that wasn't me or my family.  Someday it will most likely happen to me or my family though and maybe yours too.  So many people have told me that hearing Molly's story has made them appreciate their family more, cherish their time with their kids, hug them a little tighter and many other wonderful things.  They are wonderful things, but it still brings a tear to my eye.  Do we have to have a tragedy to make these things that much more important to us?  I think the answer is an unfortunate yes.  You don't know what you have till it's gone.  The question is who is going to have to endure that tragedy and while it wasn't me (thankfully) this last week, it has been me before.  That right there is God's purpose.

We went to Aggie Muster this past Sunday.  If you've never been, you should go.  It's one of the greatest Aggie traditions there is.  Where two or more aggies gather wherever they are (all around the world) to enjoy some camaraderie while they remember fellow aggies lost over the last year, all ages.  We went to the San Antonio Muster this year and as people still had tears in their eyes as they went to light the candle for their loved ones when their name and class year were called I shed a few tears with them myself.  I kept thinking about how we didn't have a "technical" aggie with a class year pass away, but a little aggie in our hearts none the less.  It was a rough week, but we still have hope in this fallen world.  As I write this I can hear my little 4 year old singing in the other room, "Where You go I'll go, Where You stay, I'll stay, When You move, I'll move, I will follow You..."  Seems only fitting to include this song on here now.  :-)

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow...

All Your ways are good
All Your ways are sure
I will trust in You alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in You alone

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You
Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for You alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in You alone, in You alone
Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You

In You there's life everlasting
In You there's freedom for my soul
In You there joy, unending joy
and I will follow

Where You go, I'll go
Where You stay, I'll stay
When You move, I'll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I'll love
How You serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow

 

"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow." (Jeremiah 31:13)

He was preparing

April 10, 2013

Well, Molly would have been 4 months old yesterday.  It was one of the better monthly birthdays.  Honestly, I didn't even realize it was her 4 month birthday until the boys were taking naps and it kind of made me feel guilty that I didn't wake up thinking about it.  We had a busy morning at the zoo and I lost my wallet and my mind was taken over briefly.  As time goes on, my mind seems to be taken over by something other than Molly more and more.  I suppose that most people would think that's a good thing and I don't totally disagree, but it does leave some feelings of guilt along the way.  I feel guilty because even though I'm not, it feels like I'm forgetting my baby girl.  She could never be forgotten, but the mind (and the devil) have ways of playing tricks on you to make you think this, but in reality you are learning to move forward, not move on (learned this at Respite Retreat), but move forward.   It's almost scary for me to think about.  When I think about where I was at 3-1/2 months ago, moving forward at all seemed unthinkable and impossible.  3-1/2 months is not very long at all and I feel like I've come so far, not to brag too much here!  Haha! I still struggle plenty, don't get me wrong.  I'm still at a loss for words when people I don't know ask me how many kids I have or if I want to try for a girl with two boys already or if we want more kids.  These people don't know me or my situation so I can't blame them, but that's usually when I have to change the subject or take a "restroom break".  I can't even tell you how many conversations or situations I've cried about once I got to my car.  Maybe someday these questions won't sting so much.

Looking back, I really feel like God was preparing us (best as could be prepared... don't think you could ever be fully prepared) for losing our baby girl. He sent us to San Antonio where there were advanced NICU's available to care for Molly.  If we would have been in College Station, they would've had to take Molly to Houston to be cooled and according to our pediatrician in CS (yes, we talked to her about it), she probably wouldn't have made there.  When we moved God gave us a nice big 5 bedroom house with plenty of room in anticipation of the space we would need for visitors during those 2 weeks.  God put us in a financially good place so that we would not have that burden on top of our grief to worry about bills and groceries during the couple of months we were in a fog.  God gave Jeff a good job with understanding supervisors when he was off of work for so long.  God put us close to family that had easy access to us, our boys, the hospital our house and many other things we needed.  God made sure we were surrounded by friends who loved us and supported us and picked up slack of things we couldn't even think of having to handle.  He made sure someone (my parents) were taking care of the boys when I went into labor.  He provided a midwife at the hospital that had a clue of what to do when nobody else did.  Honestly, if I really sit here and think about it, the list could go on and on.  God provided.  God prepared.  I would've never known that day, but looking back I can see it.  And looking forward I can see how he is still providing and preparing.  I had 3 people give me Nancy Guthrie books when Molly died... He was preparing me for a healing retreat.  We received a Christmas gift of money in the exact amount we would need to go on this retreat and a monetary gift from others that was the exact amount needed for our plane tickets.  God provided and prepared.  We felt we needed some sort of counseling and were at a loss for even where to look.  Nancy Guthrie had advised us to start going to a grief support group called Grief Share, where we started in January and now that it's coming to a close, we're afraid not to go anymore.  We love it so much.  God provided and prepared. 

Since the day after Molly died, every time Jeff and I think of Molly we see a ladybug.  It started the day we started planning her funeral, we stopped to get gas and 'Good Golly Miss Molly' was on the gas station radio and a ladybug landed in the truck.  We both started crying.  This ladybug was at the retreat in the room with us the whole weekend and come to find out there were like 20 in the bathtub the 2nd day there.  There are countless other ladybug stories... ask me and I will tell you them!  :-)  This was one of the most special though.

I need to say a thank you again to all the people who have sent messages or emails to me about this blog.  It is so encouraging to hear about all the ways Molly has touched or impacted your lives.  To know that Molly has touched even one soul or strengthened one relationship with God, completely overflows my heart with joy.  Pure joy!  I have a "Molly's Impact Journal" and every time I get a message or a phone call, I write it down.  The words you read come from the Lord.  I've asked Him to work through Molly and myself through whatever means necessary to bring others closer to Him and I believe He is answering that prayer.  I asked for encouragement and He sent all of you for me.  You are all such a blessing to me and I pray your relationship with God grows more and more.  That is really what life is about.  It's hard to see that through a worldly lens, because so much does not revolve around God.  Don't you want to go to heaven though?  Don't you want to see the people you've lost and miss?  Don't you want to live in the paradise God has prepared for you?  Seek out the Lord and He will show you your purpose.  He will deepen your relationship with Him. 

Awhile back, Jeff said he heard a song that portrays how he feels (yes I'm sharing another song!) and I feel the same way. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

I know not everyone agrees I should be putting everything out there that I do on this blog, but if it inspires or brings one person closer to Jesus, then I think it's worth it.  Plus, it puts my thoughts, rants, joys, sorrows and everything in between out there giving it meaning to me.  I don't force anyone to read it, look at the pictures or hear the songs, so if you don't want to see or hear it, don't read it.  That's the beauty of a blog. :-) If you want a deeper conversation or have questions, I'm totally open to that too.

A Bittersweet Easter

April 2, 2013

We celebrated Easter last weekend and I'm not going to lie, it was hard.  Really really hard. Christmas used to seem like the most significant Christian holiday to me and it is really significant... but Easter seems so much more important now than ever.  Christmas is such a happy time because Christ was born into human flesh!  It's a big deal and exciting!  At Easter, it's still a happy celebration, but with a different tone.  It's subdued.  This Easter I found myself really reflecting on the fact that Jesus was human.  He knew what it was like to feel human emotion such as sorrow, sadness and pain... and so many other feelings. He was fully human.  I know he knows my sadness over Molly which is why He can comfort me.  Not only did Jesus walk the earth as a human with human emotions, he obeyed God the whole time.  Through all the temptation, evil, anger and all things Satan is for, he still stood firmly for God. 

When I think about Molly's last 3 days or so, I always seem to immediately think of Jesus in the wilderness the night before he was crucified.  Three times he asked God for this cup, this duty to die on a cross, to pass over him; if there were any other way; but not of his will, only if it was God's will.  This is how I often felt praying for Molly.  Please God, if there is any other way, please give us her life, but only if it's your will.  I remember praying for it to please please be His will to let her live.  She was His child before she was mine and He gave her to me for a brief time to care for and love and teach, just like He gave me Logan and Hunter to do these things.  But in the end they are all His children first, He knows what's best for them and I just need to trust that.  His will for Molly was to go home to Him sooner than I'd hoped and while I'm so sad, I'm also happy.  She is in the presence of perfection.   She has no hurt in her life.  No evil, no struggle, no needs, no wants.... she has it all.  She has God right there with her! 

After Jesus was crucified for doing nothing wrong, he paid all the debt we'd ever need to get to go to heaven one day.  Jesus didn't deserve this, he was perfect.  We are the sinners, yet here is Jesus giving us a free ticket to heaven and all you have to is believe in Him.  He made it so easy, yet there are still people who don't get it.  You don't get to heaven by being a good person.  You can commit the worst sins there ever was in human opinions, but in God's eyes a sin is a sin. Whether you murder someone or you gossip about someone, it's the same in God's eyes.  So start again today, repent and try to do better tomorrow.  You are going to fail no matter how much you strive to be like Jesus, but you don't stop trying and you don't stop believing.  Jesus had faith that in 3 days he would be resurrected by God's power and he was.  Easter, Jesus' resurrection is our ticket to heaven.  God provided this way for us because He LOVES us.

"For God so LOVED THE WORLD that He gave His only Son, so that whoever BELIEVES IN HIM will not perish, but have ETERNAL LIFE."  John 3:16

It says it right there in the Bible.  You can stand firm in the Bible because it's true.  It's not somebody's opinion about it and it's not made up in someones imagination, it's true and it's solid.  When you have doubts, just look in the bible and you'll find reassurance.   When you have questions, open the bible and it has answers.  When you don't know who or what to believe, just go back to the basics of the bible and it will clear things up. It might take a little bit to find it if you don't where to look, but it will help you get to know the bible that much better (at least that's been my experience).

Easter was hard.  It is something I'm so thankful for because it's the reason I will get to see Molly again, but I also see what she is missing with us.  My brother and his wife had a baby girl, Emma, about 2-1/2 weeks after Molly was born and while we love her soooo much and are so thankful for her, it's a reminder of the fact that Molly is missing from the picture and it makes me sad right now.  These were going to be two little girls who were going to be the same age and spending holidays together.  I see her growing and people passing her around and I just miss Molly that much more.  I love Emma with all my heart.  I think someday she will be a happy reminder of where Molly would've been, but sometimes I hold her and just wish Molly were here to be a part of her life as well as everyone elses.  I'm going to keep praying and having faith in God.  He has met every need of comfort and peace I've asked for and I will keep asking because that's what He wants.  He wants me to rely on Him.

What do you do...

April 1, 2013

...after your baby dies?  I had no idea.  I had never had any kind of death or grief really in my life, much less my own child.  I had great grandparents die when I was 10 or 12, but they were old and it was to be expected at some point, right?  Plus, I was so young and not that close to them... I had one grandparent die before I was born and that was it.  During middle school, my friend's older brother died and that was a little bit of a shock, but I didn't know him that well and mostly I felt so sorry for their family, but what could I do?  I was in 6th grade and I wasn't going to bring it up.  The first thing the doctors, nurses and family members told us the day Molly died was the divorce statististics for couples who have lost a child (which I found out at the Respite Retreat were not exactly true, but that another story).  Even though Jeff and I felt closer and more connected than we ever had, it was a little scary to hear and we planned to get some sort of counseling at some point.  We pushed it aside for the moment because we had to plan a funeral.

One day soon, I will plan my funeral and pay for it.  As morbid as it sounds, that is the last thing the people who care about you the most will want to do.  There are a ton of decisions and costs that someone, who is in a fog because they just lost someone they loved, shouldn't even have to deal with.  We spent all day Tuesday going back and forth between the funeral home and the cemetary making decisions.  It was a horrible day. 

This was our baby girl Molly June, the day we buried her

I think one of the worst things going through this is that your friends and family want to be there for you and you want to know your not alone... but you just want to be alone.  You want to be able to cry when you feel like it, not talk if you feel like it, sit and stare into space when you feel like it.  You want to know they are there, but don't want put forth extra effort you would normally do to say and show your appreciation.  Most of the time, they understand this.  It has really been amazing to see who our true friends really are and who really cares.  Death is such a touchy subject, but even though it's uncomfortable, it happens and it will happen to all of us one day.

Before Molly died, I would hear about people here and there who had a miscarriage or had a baby die, or someone else die, or whose family member was diagnosed with cancer... whatever the case, it was an uncomfortable subject that I felt thankful I knew nothing about.  Then, when I'd see them, I may casually mention it, but definitely didn't dwell there too long.  Mostly, I'd just want to move on and act like life for them was the same as it was before.  I won't do that anymore.  It was crazy to me that some of the people that really reached out to me and comforted me when Molly died were people I hadn't been close to in years or never been close to at all.  And some people that I thought I was really close to barely awknowledged what happened.  I don't want everyone's life to revolve around me and my situation by any means, but out of all the people who reach out to you, it's sad that you really remember the ones who don't awknowledge it at all.  I need to say a heartfelt 'THANK YOU' to every person who has commented or liked a facebook status or link, everyone who sent cards or flowers, everyone who was at Molly's funeral and came up to me with no words and everyone who sent a text message or private facebook message just to tell me "I don't know what to say".  Those small things that seem so insignifcant sometimes to the person doing them mean so much to the person receiving them, in this case my family and I.   There have been people who don't want to talk about Molly or don't want to see pictures because it's a sad story to see and hear.  I totally get that and try not to get my feelings hurt or take it personally when that happens, but that sad story happened to me and I'm living with it every day.  I've learned to feel people out before I get out her scrapbook that I'm so proud of or before I say how much I miss her.  I have a handful of people that I can talk to about those things anytime and I love those people so much.  People who have not had to go through it in order to be in a place able to talk about and appreciate it.  People I truly admire because if the roles were reversed, I'm not sure I would have been able to do the same. 

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my diciples, if you have love for one another."  John 13:34-35

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."  Proverbs 17:17

The week after Molly died was a complete fog.  I remember shopping to find a dress for Molly, deciding on bible verses and songs for the service, figuring out where she'd be buried, my mom and sister shopping for me something to wear because I had post surgery setbacks where I was in a lot of pain for doing too much, going to the back room every 30 minutes during Molly's viewing to cry, taking Logan up to the casket to see Molly, riding in the funeral car with the funeral director and Molly's casket in the front seat, me and Hunter in the middle seat and Jeff and Logan in the back.  Logan sang Jesus Loves Me and Bob the Builder on the way.  I remember it being so cold and windy when we buried her.  I remember everyone leaving to go to their cars and Jeff and I standing there watching them put Molly in the ground.  The funeral dirctor had the men give Jeff and I each a handful of dirt to throw in.  This was the hardest part of the whole day.  Jeff threw his in and I just couldn't do it.  I started sobbing again finally throwing it in and feeling like I was leaving my child outside on a cold windy day with no one to take care of her.  That has been the hardest part of the cemetary thus far.  The feeling of obligation to go see her there and the horrible feeling of leaving there.  Every time I go, I feel guilty like I'm leaving my child.  I also remember going to a church after the funeral where good friends had provided food and it feeling like a guilty releif.  It was nice to have a lighter mood, but I felt guilty. It was nice to not be worrying or planning a funeral or making difficult decisions anymore.  It was a long day.

 Now I was about to have to go through a christmas we had planned with Molly in mind, right down to the stocking hung over the fireplace and presents I had already wrapped for her under the tree.  I was also about to begin a grief journey and a different life I had not planned for.

What a blessing!

March 22, 2013

This time last week I was headed to Nashville, Tennessee (well, actually Henrietta, 30 miles north of TN) for a retreat that would prove to be a huge blessing in mine and Jeff's lives.  It was a retreat for couples who had lost children and was hosted by David and Nancy Guthrie.  David and Nancy have lost two babies out of their 3 children and are a remarkable testimony to the Lord.  We shared a rental car on the way there with another couple, the Bailey's, and it was great to sort of arrive with "friends" that we'd already met.  We were instructed to not talk about the reason we were all there, our children that had died.  This was really hard to do all day as well as when we arrived and met the other couples, but it was nice to know a little bit about everyone before we dove in to the deep stuff.  Eventually after dinner we began to share our stories one by one and would finish them the next morning after breakfast.  There were some couples and families that have been through so much with multiple children and they still wholeheartedly love the Lord.  I have to say that I'm just in awe of them and their faith. 

Our Molly girl is saying "Gig 'em!" in heaven

There was one story that really hit home with Jeff and I.  Not only was I teary eyed and crying while they told their story, I had to work really hard to not start sobbing.  I can feel myself tearing up now just thinking about it.  A couple from Alabama (yes, they are huge football fans!  Hopefully we can show them a good time in College Station this football season!) had a little girl named Leah almost exactly a month after Molly was born.  They already had a 3 year old little girl and this would be their 2nd and had a normal healthy pregnancy.  She was diagnosed with group B strep which is very common and doctors have steps to follow after the baby is born, but unfortunately Leah spent 6 days in the NICU before passing away from GBS.  They were completely blindsided as we were.  Bevin and I have a lot of the same struggles and Adam and Jeff seem to have a lot in common as well.  While our circumstances of meeting are less than ideal, I'm so thankful for them!  Somebody that completely gets where we are in our lives and what we are going through.  Somebody we can lean on and be friends with.  Someone who we can have serious conversations with or talk football with.  Thank you Lord for bringing us together!  Here are the links to Leah's facebook page: Leah's Legacy and Bevin's blog: The Tomlin Family .  Bevin, I hope you don't mind me sharing these!!  Let me know if you don't and I will take them off, I completely understand!  I can't help but believe that Leah and Molly are best friends in heaven.  That's right!  A little Texas A&M aggie and an Alabama.. uh, elephant?  is that right?  Or we can call her a crimson tider?  Either way, we know she is a Bama fan and Molly is an Aggie fan!  :)  And it makes me smile.


Sweet little Leah

There are so many other amazing stories we heard!  Several had children with special needs and there were a few that just put their young child to sleep one night or for a nap and they never woke up.  People really go through some trying times in their lives, but it's just not talked about the way it should be.  I mean just since Molly died, more people, some I barely know, have reached out to me telling me they had lost a child and I had no idea!  How is that possible?  People that I would've loved to be loving on, praying for or just being a good friend to them.  Obviously, you don't want people to be your friend out of pity, but if you want help or a true friend or someone to pray for you, just ask God to supply it.  He knows what you need, just ask with unselfish intentions and according to His will and believe you will recieve it.  I'm sure if someone who doesn't have good or true intentions with no desire for the Lord asked to be a millionaire, it most likely won't happen... but who knows, maybe it would happen and God would send another lesson along with it.  Anyways, getting too deep and beside the point now!

"Whatever you ask in my name, I will do, that the Father be glorified in the Son.  If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it."  John 14:13-14

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have recieved it, and it will be yours."  Mark 11:24

There are many other stories from our Respite Retreat weekend that I'd love to share and I'm sure some will come out on the blog here eventually (Retreat friends, if you don't want me talking about you, let me know now!!  Haha!  But seriously...  :) let me know). 

Our wonderful new friends, the parents

Molly's wonderful new friends in heaven, the children who were loved so much by the parents above

I still ache from Molly's death and am learning that it will probably never go away, but after meeting some sweet people who are further down the road than Jeff and I, I know I will be fine.  And I have a very peaceful feeling about that.  The Sunday morning that we left the retreat we had a small worship service where Nancy said some very wise words.  The last song we sang was "Blessed be the Name".  I have always loved that song, but I can't seem to get through it anymore without crying.  Oddly enough, I even remember singing this while I was pregnant with Molly during a really stressful time and not being able to get through it then.  Maybe God was starting to prepare me?  Either way, God gives and God takes away, but we can know that through joy and pain God is good and that's where we should take comfort. Be thankful for your children because even though they aren't perfect, they are a HUGE blessing in your life.  Cherish and treasure your time with them, good and bad.  They are only ours for a brief time.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your nameBlessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your nameEvery blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your nameBlessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away

The NICU

March 14, 2013

Tomorrow Jeff and I will be going on a Respite Retreat in Tennesse with 11 other couples who have lost babies.  I'm nervous and anxious.  I'm not sure how old the other couples babies were when they died, or what they died from, but David and Nancy Guthrie (the hosts of the retreat) say that it will be a time of sharing and hopefully healing.  They have lost 2 babies themselves and serve as a guide on how to go through such a difficult life event as a Christian and find joy and hope in your life without feeling guilty about it.  There have been a few from the retreat that have found me and reached out to me on facebook and another we've learned a little about because we will be sharing a rental car from the airport with them.  I know couple lost a baby in January after she was born, from Group B Strep.  I know I am tested for it at the end of every pregnancy, but other than the fact that the baby recieves antibiotics after its born if you've tested positive, I know nothing else about it.  I know one girl is a teacher a private christian school and after she and her husband lost their baby, the parents of all her students pitched in to pay for this trip for them.  People are really amazing.  Sometimes it comes out more during tragedy, but I guess that's when you need good people the most.  I'm praying for our trip this weekend and for the grandparents keeping the boys.  I'm nervous about both, but I'm seriously trying to give it all to God, let him take me where he wants and be a willing servant to Him.

When I woke up the next day in the hospital, I was ready to get out of there quickly.  I forced myself out of bed and tried to move around as much as possible.  My doctor came to see me first thing and she was so upset.  She told me that as a doctor she was going to tell me to stay in the hospital another night.  I had a C-section they needed to watch and a traumatic one under general anesthetic at that.  But then she kneeled down next to my bed and just started bawling.  She said as mother (she has a 2 year old little girl), she wanted to let me go and discharge me that day if I wanted, but it was up to me.  She said she trusted my instincts and if I felt I could go, then I should.  I could not be transferred as a patient to the other hospital because of how they pay doctors or something... So I would be discharged and trusted to call her if I thought anything might be wrong.  Originally, everyone was telling me that I should just stay another night to be on the safe side and make sure my staples got taken out.  To be honest, that's kind of what I was thinking I would do... be safe.  But after talking to my doctor and my mom a little, it kind of hit me how serious Molly's condition actually was.  There actually was a chance we would not come home with a baby, not even in a month or two.  When I had that realization I decided I would take a shower on my own, which took me like an hour because I was moving slow and removing bandages and it was just really hard, but after that I was packing my things and I was out of there.  By the time I took a shower and was dressed, packed and discharged it was about 7 p.m. and as I was walking out the door a man from the hospitals risk management department came by and wanted to interview about the birth and what happened.  That's when I started to realize that this whole thing may have had a chance of being avoided.  At the moment, I don't know why, but I thought this guy was getting my story because he was on my side.  Later I realized he was getting my story so he could cover any tracks for the hospital in case a lawsuit was filed.  I hate that I spent my precious time telling him everything word for word.  I guess it doesn't matter though  because doesn't matter who I tell, it's the truth and that's it.  That's all there is. 

I got to the NICU around 8 and went to see Molly.  I think I was expecting her to move more or just be told she was sleeping.  I learned a lot in the NICU and that this whole cooling process was pretty painful.  I cried so much during that week.  This was just unbelievable.  How was this happening to me?  This doesn't even happen to people I know.... it felt like a sad movie, but at least in the movies (most of the time) there is a happy ending.  I was so hopeful every minute I was there the first couple days.  I was sure that if I was patient enough and just kept praying faithfully, everything would be fine.  In a nutshell, the cooling process means that they cool down the body to about 91.3 degrees to let the trauma settle and hopefully heal itself.  It gives the brain a chance to catch up with the body.  After 36 hours they warm the body up and if all goes well you start seeing immediate results.  Anything indicating there is brain activity.  I remember on Wednesday Jeff and I had to have a meeting with Molly's neonatologist and her nurse.  She would be warmed up starting at 7 that night.  There was a high probability that she wouldn't make it through that night and honestly looking back, I don't think the doctor thought she would make it.  They were trying to somewhat prepare us, but I was still completely hopeful.  The NICU made so many exceptions for our family because they knew that Molly's situation probably wouldn't end well.  They told us we could have family members or pastors, whoever we wanted come up there before they started warming her.  We had all the grandparents come and pray over her, all of us together.  Another surreal event.  Then the warming started..

They had given us an empty labor and delivery room to stay in until they needed it, so I had gone back there at some point that night and just remember crying out to Jesus.  I had never been in so much pain and I needed him to let Molly live.  I needed Him to carry her through this night of warming.  I promised to tell her all about Him and make sure she knew what a miracle she was if he would just get her through this night.  Jeff and I both stayed with Molly all night that night, along with my lifelong friend Shaunna who took the last 3 earliest morning hours, bless her heart.  Morning came and at 7 a.m. Molly was still alive and had a 98.6 degree body temperature.  Praise the Lord!  I was so happy and thankful.  By 8 I was getting to hold her for the first time ever.  It was a beautiful moment where I was so happy she was still with us and so thankful to God. 

First time holding Molly after our all nighter of warming

 The happiness was short lived though because by 2 p.m. her doctor had examined her and even though she had a few positives, she still had not shown any sign of movement or eye dialation or even reflexes for that matter.  They were afraid there might be more going on in her brain than we'd hoped.  They scheduled for her to have an MRI that afternoon and just like that, we were on our knees again.  We prayed before, during and after that her MRI would come up clear and the next day, Friday, we found out it did.  It came up clear, there was no bleeding or any indication of other trauma.  I thought this was good until the neurologist came to talk to us.  He said usually they don't even schedule an MRI until 7 - 10 days after the trauma and it had been 4.  Looking back now, I think he and Molly's doctor were really just doing whatever they could for me because they saw our pain.  I decided (or assumed I guess) that we'd schedule and MRI for Monday and we'd wait until then.  I guess they had already taken such extreme measures with Molly that they just really didn't see a need in waiting until Monday.   I feel like I knew what was coming next in the back of my mind, but I was still completely unprepared for it.  Late Friday afternoon, we had to have another meeting with Molly's doctor and nurse.  They told us that they felt their only option at this point was to start taking some of things keeping her alive away one by one and little by little to see how she did.  They wanted us to think about Molly's quality of life when we were making decisions.  I remember sobbing in this little room with them and telling them over and over that I don't want to cut her life short if there were any chance at all.  I didn't want to give up because we weren't patient enough.  I didn't want to throw in the towel if there was even the smallest of small chances she'd wake up.  I didn't want her to be hooked up to a machine her whole life, never having opened her eyes or spoken a word or breathed a breath of air on her own either.  I definitely feel that would be me insisting that God was wrong and it's not her time.  Who am I to say that?  God is always right.  God always knows when it's your time.  He knew when He would call us home before we are born, before we are even conceived!  Who am I to try and stop him from taking Molly home with him?  At the same time, if she had a chance to live, I had to give it to her and I did not want to cut that chance short.  I said this over and over and I really believe that's why the doctors let me have the amount of time I did with her.  They knew I did not intend to keep her alive on my will, but of God's.  Molly's doctor and many of her nurses were strong praying christians which I thank the Lord for now.  Not only did they understand us and cry with us, but they prayed with us and even had their own friends and family praying.  I LOVED everyone there.  Molly's doctor even came to the funeral. 

After that conversation Friday, I kind of knew that it was inevitable that Molly would not ever see her room or play with her brothers or drink the breastmilk I'd been pumping since she was born.  There were so many things she would not be doing, but I had to make the most of our moments from here on out.  I had my mom bring Logan and Hunter to the hospital that night because I wanted them to have some pictures with her.  Someone had also told us about a charity at the hospital where a professional photographer will come take professional pictures of you and your baby.  It's for families where the baby either has not or will not live.  This is an amazing charity in my opinion.  It's one of things I treasure most from our whole Molly situation.  At a time when the last thing you are thinking about is taking pictures and making memories, someone comes and makes those memories for you anyway because you don't know it at the time, but you want them later.  Jennifer, our photographer came on Saturday in the early evening.  I had cried so much at that point that, even though I knew this was so sad, I had no tears to shed during our session.  I was just so thankful they were doing this and that the boys got to come and be a part of it as well.  I think it's something that they will appreciate later as well.  I cannot even express how excited Logan was for his baby sister.  This whole thing has been a major process of explaining things to him.  On a good note, it has also been a blessing.  it has opened up doors for us to talk to him about heaven and how you get to heaven and about Jesus' love for us.  I think Hunter will appreciate these pictures for the sheer fact that he won't even remember this happening.  A picture will be his memory. 

First picture of all 5 of us, even though all 5 aren't looking at the camera and are barely even in the picture :)

 From Friday until this point I really had just decided not to talk about it.  People would ask me how Molly was doing, what the doctor said that day, what they think.... and I just got to a point where I would say that I'd really just rather not talk about it.  That's where I was at when, on Sunday morning they told us they would be giving Molly a bath (the first she'd had actually, other than a wipe down here and there) and asked if we'd like to help.   Later they began to tell us that they thought it was time and today (Sunday) would be it.  They told us we could bring her a special outfit if we wanted and could get her dressed after her bath.  Another surreal moment.  We told all of our family to go home because this was something Jeff and I were going to do ourselves.  At 11:00 a.m. we got everything set up and began to bathe her.  I loved every second of it.  I loved moving her around and watching Jeff take over with so much.  We brought a pink outfit that we had planned on taking her home in, which was almost too small (she'd gained almost 3 pounds by this time).  We put lotion on her and made her smell good and put a bow in her hair.  They asked if we would like our final moments with her to be in a private room and we said yes.  We went to the room and waited and cried.  They rolled her in in a bed and were pumping her oxygen in by hand.  She was wrapped perfectly in her pink blanket with Logan's teddy bear in tow.  They picked her up and handed her to me then told me whenever I was ready they would take her oxygen tube out and come check on us every 15 minutes until she had passed away.  I turned crying to Jeff and told him that I couldn't tell them to take the tube out, that he would have to do it.  So he did and they left.  She didn't take a single breath on her own.  This was reassurance to me that she was ready to be with God and we had done the right thing.  Looking back, Jeff and I both think that Molly was being rocked in the arms of Jesus when she came into the world, God just let us have a week with her for our own sake.  Thank you God for our week with Molly!!!


First bath

Pretty in pink





Our perfect angel

Mommy's last moments...

Daddy's last moments...

One of my most treasured posessions



Another song we played at Molly's funeral was Jesus Loves Me.  I felt it was appropriate because this was a funeral for a baby and that's a song babies and children sing.  Then I really listened to the words and it really couldn't have been more perfect.  You have probably figured it out by now, but when I write the lyrics out, the ones that are bold and blue are the ones that really speak to me.

Christy Nockels - Jesus Loves Me from bobmarshall on GodTube.

Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Jesus loves me, He who died
Heaven's gate to open wide
He will wash away my sin
Let His little child come in
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Jesus Loves me, He will stay
Close beside me all the way
He's prepared a home for me
And someday His face I'll see
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
He loves me, yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so
The Bible tells me so

Molly's Birth

March 11, 2013

Two days ago, Molly would've have been 3 months old.  I think that has been the hardest month birthday I've had yet.  I feel like, at least with my other two babies, that once you hit 3 months everything is golden.  Meaning, at 3 months old you have worked out most of the kinks.  You know your baby and how they act and they know you and what you do for them.  Usually they are sleeping through the night by now (or at least giving you a good chunk of sleep at a time), you have mastered the art of mealtime whether breast or bottle (I've done both), you both have a sort of routine down and it just seems to be easier to get out of the house in a timely manner (most of the time).  At 3 months my anxiety over "new stuff" went down and I really enjoyed both of my boys at that age.  Not that I didn't enjoy them before that, I was just still learning and so were they.  The boys and Jeff and I would reeeeaaallly be enjoying Molly right now if she were here, and that makes me sad.  I know she is with God and enjoying each other though, and it gives me comfort knowing this and that she has the best caretaker you could ever have with her right now.  If I can't be there for her, I'm happy Jesus is.  Don't get me wrong, it still hurts so much that I don't even have words to describe it.  I thought by now it might hurt a little less, but maybe it never goes away.  Maybe I just have to learn to live with it and just get better at the coping. 

It was the weekend that Johnny Football became Johnny Heisman... Mom and Dad had the boys for the weekend hoping I would go into labor with Molly as my due date was Friday, December 7th.  We went and ate Mexican spicy food Friday and cajun spicy food Saturday.  The Cajun would win this competition because about 4 a.m. Sunday morning I woke up to regular non-painful contractions and I knew this was it.  I laid in bed timing them for an hour before I woke Jeff up.  I decided I should wake Jeff up because even though I was 2 days past my due date, we had still not packed a bag and we kind of had a lot to do (what can I say?  Life with 2 little boys is busy!), plus I wanted to take one last shower before being stuck at the hospital and shave my legs and wash my hair.  :)  We arrived at the hospital around 7 a.m. and got checked into triage.  **WARNING:  I may go into details too graphic that you don't want to hear about.  If birth story details are too much for you, stop reading now.  Thank you!!** By this time my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and starting to get a little painful, but not terrible.  We had a strong heartbeat from Molly and I was dilated to about 3 cm.  I spent the next 2 to 2-1/2 hours walking and waiting and walking some more trying to increase my dilation.  At 9:30, the nurse checked me and I was still close to a 3.  I then asked her if she could break my water to get this thing going, because that is when my serious labor began when I had Hunter.  She told me that she thought she felt a cord, so breaking my water would not be a good idea.  Knowing what I know now, the standard of care when you feel an umbilical cord is immediate c-section.  However, at the time I was unaware of this or of how life threatening it was to have the cord so close to the cervix.  The nurse convinced us, despite my growing pain (that was seriously hurting at this point) that we should go home or go eat.... basically that it would be a long time, that my water probably wouldn't break and that it would be better than being hooked up in a hospital while not being allowed to eat.  Had I never done this before and had I not been in the pain I was in and had she not "thought" she felt a cord, this would've been a good idea.  We listened to her anyway and left. 

I did decide that we wouldn't go home because it was too far and I was in too much pain.  So, we went to IHOP.  We had breakfast in between contractions that were getting closer together and longer.  Then, being the tough girl that I am, decided I was going to work through this pain and stay away from the hospital for as long as possible.  After IHOP my suggestion was to walk around North Star Mall, but when we got there, I knew the parking lot was too far away and there was no way I could do it, so we went to Target.  I walked in Target leaning on a buggy, hiding in empty isles during contractions, but after about 10 minutes, I just could not do it.  It took me another 10 or 15 minutes to actually get to the car.  I told Jeff to park in the far off corner of the parking lot because I couldn't walk, all I could do was sway next to the car.  We did that until I just couldn't take it anymore and told Jeff I could not make it until 2:00 (that was my goal to stay gone from the hospital) and we needed to go back now.  I was standing outside of the car in the hospital parking garage when my water broke.  I was completely mortified as this has never happened to me outside of the hospital and the leaking would not stop!  It was awful!  When we were at Target, I had Jeff buy me the gigantic pads I knew I would need when we came home from the hospital so I ripped that open trying to soak up this liquid coming out and while in the backseat changed into Jeff's pajama pants he had brought.  I don't know why because they were soaked in about 2 seconds.  It probably took me about 20 minutes getting into the hospital because I was leaking all over (I mean gushes with every contraction), I was in unbearable pain and I couldn't stop crying because of everything.  It's kind of funny now, because with every contraction I would literally try to hide behind Jeff and cry until it was over.  Ugh, not fun.  So I finally get to labor and delivery and they took me to a room, I put on my hospital gown and sat on the bed and waited.... I was ready for the epidural.  The computer in the room wasn't working, so after 20 minutes of trying to get it to work, I had to move... no walk (they seriously made me do that???!!?) to another room.  I got into that room and they began to try to hook me up to monitors.... the contraction monitor and then the fetal heart rate monitor. 

This was me having a contraction in the Target parking lot.

This is where I want to cry.  They tried to find Molly's heart rate for a good 15 or 20 minutes and they just couldn't find a strong one and keep it.  You could hear it faintly in and out, here and there.  Now I know, because my water had broke and the cord was prolapsed, her actual heart rate was fading in and out.  It wasn't just her moving around or me not being still.  My water had be ruptured for 30 to 45 minutes now and Molly was probably in distress the whole time, and nobody had checked my cervix yet to determine that the cord was there.  It really breaks my heart and makes me so sad.  Finally, a nurse who seemed to be new at this, I gotta say... decided we should check my cervix even though we were having a hard time keeping a heart rate.  She checked me and with a smile on her face told me I was at a 7.  Yay!  Brief moment of happiness for me because I knew it wouldn't be too much longer before her arrival (with Hunter once I reached a 7, it was only another hour or 2).  As they were still having trouble finding Molly's heartbeat, the nurse who earlier "thought she felt a cord" decided she wanted to check me too, just to be sure everything was ok.  Low and behold, she felt the cord there and that is when chaos broke loose.

The nurse was elbow deep inside me trying to push the baby back up and people started yelling to turn me over, tip the bed so the head of it was on the floor, put an IV in me... I had to pain reliever at this point, not even a Tylenol, so needless to say I was in pain.  I don't remember screaming at all, but Jeff said that I was.  Neither one of us really knew what was going on.  All I remember thinking and saying is, "You have my permission to do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby".  And I remember praying for God please let Molly be ok over and over and over as they wheeled me through the hallway, nurse on my bed with me holding the baby inside. 

We get into the operating room and it seemed like it took forever for somebody to find a doctor.  I heard people yelling and saying they had paged every OB in the hospital and had started calling doctors at the hospital next door.  It felt like a good 10 minutes of this to me, but I hear the doctor showed up in 3 minutes.  They turned me back over and were ready to do surgery.  I remember the doctor asking if they had ever gotten a heartbeat over and over and nobody answering.  I wanted to say "YES!  It was there!  Get her out!", but it was like I was frozen in time listening to everything going on in disbelief.  Finally (and thankfully) and nurse told him that they did have one, but couldn't find it right now.  I thought they were going to begin cutting me while I could still feel everything.  I kept saying, "You know I'm awake right now, right?  I can hear you."  The anesthesiologist was all of a sudden over my head, putting a mask on me, pinching my neck and telling me who he was.  That was the last thing I remember of the birth itself. 

I woke up thinking, I know we had a big scare and Molly will probably have to be in the NICU for a couple days, but everything is fine and we will just go home with our baby girl later than planned.  My mom was in the room with me when I groggily woke up and told me that Jeff was in the NICU with Molly and they were about to transfer her to North Central Baptist.  I immediately asked for a picture of her and mom showed me a picture that Jeff had sent her.  They said they would bring her by to see me before they left for the other hospital.  They wheeled her in on a huge stretcher with a little incubator on it and all the tools and machines hooked on it as well.  I wish I hadn't been so medicated at the time, because that first time I saw her is so fuzzy in my memory.  I remember wanting to see her and touch her, but also wanting them to leave because I felt they needed to hurry up and fix whatever was wrong with her before it was too late.  They tried to explain everything they had done and everything they planned to do, but I don't know if I heard any of it.  I was just staring at her thinking, "Did this really happen??"  It had to be explained multiple times to me that night what happened exactly and what they were trying to do to fix it.  In a nutshell, they told me when a baby is born with a prolapsed cord it cuts of all oxygen and everything else she was getting from me while inside the womb.  They explained how it really effects the brain because that is the source of almost everything functioning.  They told me about a new process, a cooling process, they were going to do to her.  They just now started doing it on babies, it had been done on adults for the last year or 2 and had shown great results. It was just a lot of information. 

The first picture taken of Molly.  This is the one Jeff sent to my mom that I got to look at when I woke up.

Jeff went to North Central that night and stayed with Molly, my sister stayed with me and my parents stayed with Logan and Hunter.  We had no idea at the time what the next 7 days held for us....

This has been an espeically hard post to write, but it feels theraputic as well.  When I think about Molly, I have a longing for heaven that I've never had.  When I think about the day that Jesus returns, it makes me happy and I really just can't wait.  Being a Christian most of my life, you would think I always felt like this.  But I remember thinking, "Lord, I know you're coming again, but can you just wait until after me and my children die and are in heaven?  I want to have a normal life with them."  Now, I know that the "normal" life I wanted will be filled with heartache, destruction, sorrow and sin.  I still think it would be a good life, but nothing compared to what God has in store for us.  It won't be scary, the way I've kind of always had it in the back of my mind.  It will be beautiful and wonderful and more than our human minds can even conceive.  And because I am a Christian, I get to be a part of it.  I can't wait for that day to come!  I can't wait for God to restore the earth into what it was meant to be. 

At Molly's funeral, one of the songs we played was 'Homesick' by MercyMe.  The song describes my feelings to a T.  And I can't get enough of it, even though I cry every time I hear it.  It talks about how you know the person you lost, in my case Molly, is in a better place... a much better place, but I'm still human here on Earth and I have so much sadness.  And asking the Lord to give you strength to get you through this... This is what I do almost every day now.  I cannot do anything without God giving me strength.  Through this whole thing I've always said, I don't know how people do this without God and faith... and a hope to see the one we lost again someday.  One of the first things I went through with everything that happened to Molly, was asking God why?  Why did this have to happen to my family?  Why did you want Molly back with you?  Why?  And the song says, even if I knew why, it wouldn't really make a difference because Molly is still gone and I would still be sad.  I'm at peace with the 'why' question now.  God had a reason he took Molly.  He had a purpose for this happening to me and my family.  I just can't see the big picture He can right now.  And I trust Him and have faith in Him that He is working.  He is doing something.  And as the song says, 'In Christ, there are no good-byes'.  I will see Molly again.  And I'm so homesick for that day.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
'Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now