Well, it has not quite been 11 months, but almost.... November 9 will be Molly's 11 month birthday. I remember thinking at Molly's 1 month birthday that I wish I was at 6 or 12 months out because I couldn't imagine life at that moment not hurting as bad as it did. I knew surely it was a little more bearable though. I was right. It's even kind of hard to admit that. I don't always even want the hurt to be completely gone, because it makes me feel a false guilt that maybe I'm forgetting my sweet Molly. I know that would never be true, but Satan can attack your weakest areas and at times and that's one of mine. The thought that we are having too much fun, laughing too much, haven't been to her graveside enough, don't talk about her enough.... Through those thoughts I can hear the holy spirit whispering to my heart that none of that is true. I will always love Molly, even if life does get a little easier.
Obviously if Molly's 11 month birthday is coming up, so is her 1st birthday. We wanted to do something for her birthday that would bless others the way we were blessed a year ago. So, for the month of November (and beginning of December) we would like to make a donation in honor of our Molly June to Threads of Love. Please go to our website, www.MollyJune.org, to learn more about it. We want to take the day of December 9th this year to help others while we remember Molly. Please don't feel pressure to do this, but if you can or feel led, please help us. The Threads of Love chapter that we will be donating to seems to really be struggling and I feel this would be a huge blessing. Thank you family and friends! We can always count on you to be there for us!
Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you. Deuteronomy16:17
P.S. I'm hoping I can start doing a little more blogging again soon. Since moving we still have not set up any kind of computer and it's not easy to do a lot of writing on an iPad (at least it's not my preferance). Good night and hope to hear from all of you soon!
The balloons we released at Jon's Run with messages to our kids in heaven
It's been awhile since I've written because I seem to have been quite busy lately, the boys and I have stayed sick the last month, and also because I've spent time just reflecting and thinking. Now there is a lot on my mind and I want to get it out! Haha! Sorry folks.... here it goes...
The littlest race runners supporting Team Molly (there were more, I just wasn't very good at getting pictures)
Emma and her Mommy supporting Team Molly in her pink tutu! Love it!
First, we represented Team Molly so well at Jon's Run. I know she was so proud of all of us! We had many people come out and participate and support us and just love on our family as we remembered Molly and I'm so grateful for everyone. We will definitely be doing it again next year, so keep it in mind!!
Logan went home sick and couldn't be in this picture, but we missed him and thought about him... He LOVED his little sister so very much!
I got through Mother's Day and honestly I'm so blessed to have my two crazy little boys. I know there are those out there who go through losing a child and have no other children and my heart hurts for them just thinking about that. I have two crazy little boys, but I'm still a mother to three.
Went to visit our girl on Mother's Day... Miss her so much! (Btw, we are going to get her headstone done, I'm just apparently too picky)
I know I've talked about how I've learned that grief comes in waves and just when you think you're doing well, you're hit with another wave. I have been doing well, so you know what that means.... I just got hit with another new and big wave the last couple weeks. In the beginning, my grief was mostly shock and denial and just thinking how could something this bad happen to us, then I was hit with mounds of sadness the next few months following that. I was so sad thinking about how old Molly would be, the milestones she would be hitting and just thinking about what she was missing out on. And if I'm really being honest, I just missed my baby that I didn't get hold very long. I just wanted to hold her and rock her again. Molly would've been 6 months old yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long since her birth. I still miss my girl and think about what she would be doing at this milestone and what color her eyes would be, how much hair she would have and how many battle scars she would've accumulated from her brothers. While I still have that kind of grief in my head and new kind has entered as well. I have this new fear for Logan and Hunter and their lives. Before having Molly, I was the type of person who knew there was risk in life, but that wasn't going to stop me from living. Now, while I don't think I let those risks stop me from living, they definitely give me anxiety I never had before. The thought of losing one of my boys shakes me to the core. I fear making wrong decisions for them from what they eat to where they go to who they go with. I was telling a friend the other day about a fear I had of turning into traffic one day. It was traffic hour and I needed to cross the road and go left and all I could think was that if I go at the wrong time, I could cause an accident and take my kids lives all at the same time. I'm not so crazy (I know it sounds like I am) that I don't go ahead and take the risk, but the thought process I go through that wasn't there before is unreal. Just another thing God is helping me get through. I know this is not logical and I know the truth. I know it's all in God's timing, but the devil works his way into my mind however he can. Satan can do all he wants to "mess with" the world, but I know that God ultimately holds the keys to death. Meaning, God decides who and when you walk through deaths door. Satan and sin may have had a role leading to someone's death, but it's ultimately God who opens that door or keeps it closed. It is His will and His will alone. So, while I try to do all I'm capable of to keep my kids safe, if God is ready to call them home there is nothing I can do stand in the way. I have so often thought that it was a sign that I couldn't find a doctor for so long to let me do a VBAC and that if I would've just "listened" to that sign I would have had a C-section for Molly, probably the week before she came and she'd be here today happy and healthy. In reality, this isn't the case. God decided it was time for Molly to come home and the means by which he takes her doesn't make a difference. He would have found another way to call her home.
"Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades" (Revelation 1:17-18)
I'm so thankful for a God who has so much love, grace and compassion for me. I feel like He opens my eyes more and more every day to learn about Him and love Him. My mind feels so small, like I can never have enough knowledge, can never have enough prayer, can never have enough of a releationship with Him. He has poured in me a thirst for Jesus and to be like Him as much as I possibly can. I'm so thankful for God's patience the last 30 years (oh yeah, did I mention I recently celebrated a significant birthday??) as I was so stubborn in my relationship with Him. Only by His grace am I here today.
I hurt so much because I loved so much. I'm thankful for Molly, for showing me so many things I never knew was in my heart before.
This weekend is Jon's Run and Mother's Day and I can already feel the anticpation as we lead up to it. I want it to be a good and memorable weekend, but the worry of too many overwhelming emotions with so many people around is a little intimidating. I am praying for God to get me through it and I believe it may be hard, but will be so good as well.
Jon's Run is a 5K where we raise money to support the Infant and Child Loss Center at Any Baby Can while we remember our children who have passed away. The first run was held 11 years ago and was started to remember Jon Stephenson, a baby who passed away from SIDS. I personally feel a special connection to Jon's family because his mommy was my middle school choir teacher at Wood Middle School. What a small world! Melissa (Mrs. French... as I still feel I need to call her) has been super encouraging and I can't wait to see her on Saturday!
We have formed our own Team Molly and have 56 donors and 42 runners that have raised $775! Wow! That is so amazing! We are most definitely praising God! I'm so excited for everyone to come together Saturday just to celebrate Molly's short life and remember her and it's not too late to register if you still want to. It's already bringing tears to my eyes. For our team, we have shirts and bracelets that have Matthew 19:14 on them, which reads, 'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."' While I do believe that God holds a special place in heaven for babies and children who die young, I think this verse is talking about heaven belonging to people with faith like a child. Jesus wants us to come to Him without hinderance with absolute faith that he can move mountains. Thinking about children, you can tell them almost any story and they will believe it to be true (Santa Clause, tooth fairy, cross your eyes and they will stay that way, etc.), but the more the world starts to influence them the less faith they have in that story. So we chose this verse not only because it shows Christs love of children and heaven belonging to them, but because it shows how Christ's loves us and heaven belongs to those with faith. It's hard to put the symbolism into words, but I hope you understand. And these bracelets and shirts will hopefully be a reminder to have absolute faith in God, even when it's hard, because those who do belong in the kingdom of heaven someday.
Speaking of reminders of faith, I was listening to KLOVE the other day and sometimes God will send a message that is clear as a bell. It is so easy to get caught up in getting our to-do list done, run the errands, get the kids here and there, pay the bills, etc. that all we want to do is survive, but what we need to be doing is making a concious effort to THRIVE. Make time in our busy lives to meditate on God's word, spend it in prayer, show God's word to others and just make Him a priority. The perfectionist in me is always trying to get everything done and be that creative mom that goes above and beyond, but sometimes I just have to let some of it go and re-focus myself on the Lord. Some of my sweetest, most precios moments in my relationship with God were the first few weeks after Molly died. When I feel myself getting too caught up in "surviving", I have to force myself to take a step back because I want to get to that place with God again. It's a constant, never ending juggle and some are better than others at it. I have never been great at it, but have to make a concious effort about it. I just wanted to tell everyone to keep working on your faith. Some days are easy to fit in and others are so hard.... just gotta keep doing our best and working on it. It can always get better!
A few months ago I never thought I'd say those words. Not every day is easy, but not every day is hard. In January we started going to a group at church called Grief Share. When we registered for our Respite Retreat, we knew we needed to do something to address our grief of Molly and Nancy suggested we find a Grief Share group. They are all over the U.S. and are not just for people who have lost children. It is a group for anyone with any kind of loss and it basically shows you how to get through grief without getting stuck in it. I remember going that first week and crying the whole way there because of nerves and sadness and just the unknown. Honestly, I thought we'd go one week and it would be a room full of senior citizens (no offense to the older folks out there! Haha) whose family and friends were all dieing and they were sad about it. I couldn't have been more wrong. We absolutely did belong and there were people of all ages with all different kinds of losses. In the beginning, the first few weeks there were always new people so every week we would go around the room and you had to introduce yourself and say who it was that you lost. The very first week I couldn't even get a single word out. Jeff had to introduce us and say we lost our baby and he could barely get that out himself. The next 2 or 3 weeks I was able to say the words, but not without sobbing through them. Now, we have just had our last meeting last night and because there were new people we went around the room and Jeff and I both could do it without batting and eye or even shedding a tear for that matter. This may seem like no big deal to some, but if you would have seen us before, during and after (especially after) those meetings the first few weeks, you'd know we've come a long way.
All 3 grandkids wanted in Pop's lap
This past weekend (sorry Megan and Michael... I'm bringing you up again... let me know if you don't want to be in the blog, I totally understand :-)) Michael and Megan (parents to my sweet niece Emma) came back to town. We went out Friday night and even though there was random heavy conversation here and there that didn't last long, it was just a really fun night. Honestly, I feel like the fact that they would bring up Molly or just that they had thought about us, just really relaxed me. I always feel like people are watching me to see if I'm going to have an emotional break down and they are afraid to say anything about the elephant in the room, Molly's death. I very well could be paranoid, but most won't mention it unless I do for fear of the emotional break down I mentioned above. For me, just to know someone can talk to me without that fear, whether I do or don't get emotional, makes me feel happier and at ease. Logan loves Emma so much (Hunter does too, but can't vocalize it as well), so he wanted to go spend the night with her at Nana & Pop's on Saturday and the rest of us would come out Sunday after church. Sunday was a really good day and I really enjoyed Emma. At Easter, there seemed to be so much more pressure because I just feel like everyone is always watching me, especially during holidays, to see how I handle them. I feel like they are especially interested to see my reaction when there is another baby involved and I think that's just a fact of life. I would be watching to see how someone who just lost a baby reacts a christmas to somebody elses. It is just not a fun fact of life and I think I probably put more pressure on myself in this situation than anybody else does. My point is that Sunday was really good though. I had a moment of pain as we took pictures of the three kids though. My first thought was Molly would be able to hold her head up like Emma now and the pictures of my 3 kids would be similiar to this. My second thought was that I wish there were 4 kids sitting in Pop's lap. My third thought was how amazed I was at how much Logan and Hunter really love Emma and how good they are with her. They would have been really good big brothers to Molly. Then, my sad moment passed and I was able to go on with the day.
"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow." --Jeremiah 31:13
Some days are so busy that there aren't many sad moments and I guess people call these "good days". I think they are just busy days. Some days are just bad and I can't get anything done because I miss my Molly so much and wish I had a daughter to do girl stuff with. I know you can't do a whole lot of "girl stuff" with a 4 month old, but you can dress them up and put bows in their hair! Can't do that with Logan and Hunter (even though I've tried before... Haha... They don't like it). Then there are some days that are mostly good with some sad moments. I've found that's usually how my days go lately. I can pretty much fully function after a 20 minute cry session and I'm very ok with that. Honestly, I feel so proud of that because I don't think I was able to do that in January.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18
On our last night of Grief Share, we wrote messages to our lost loved ones on balloons and then released them to heaven.
Every post I write is always just so heavy and while I'm writing from the heart and what the Lord lays on it that day, I also feel that you need to know I'm still on that journey to joy. I'm not at the end (who knows if I will ever be), but I feel like there's been so much progress. I wanted to lighten things up again and tell you that I'm not always in tears, though they are still there and I'm not always sad, though that is still there as well. Grief Share last night was all about heaven and that is something that gives me joy in itself. Something I struggle with though is questioning if I'm more excited to see Molly one day in heaven or seeing Christ himself. Christ should be my motivation.
So I have one more post that was ready to go on Monday that would have brought me up to 'real time' blogs. However, I just was not feeling the post it just yet, but rather write a new one first. Last week was rough for many people. First, there was the Boston marathon bombs and if that didn't get you, there was a fertilizer plant explosion in West that seemed to hit a little more close to home for us Texans. I remember thinking about the families mostly of people who were injured or killed during these two circumstances and it is heartbreaking. On Thursday morning as I was driving to Castroville I came across a wreck where they had completely shut down a section of I-35 and as I passed the jack knifed 18 wheeler that was spread completely across the highway and saw all these men in the drizzly rain in the ditch picking up large car parts and such, I couldn't help but cry and then just start praying for all these people from the entire week and their families. My heart was so heavy for them because these are life changing events for some people while the rest of the world will watch the news in shock for a brief moment and then move on with their lives as if nothing has happened. People will remember it briefly, but there are others who will wake up every day for the rest of their lives affected by these events. I know that's how I feel about Molly so many times. The rest of the world seems to be able to pick up and keep going while I'm stuck over in my grief over my baby girl because while it was tragic for others to see, it has completely altered my life.
God never intended for us to experience death and suffering the way we do. Some people ask how a good God could let tragic events like this happen and the simple answer is sin. Sin happened. "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man [Adam], and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned."(Romans 5:12) God intended the world to be beautiful and perfect, but we are sinners so God's new plan was Jesus. (Not that it was really a new plan to Him, he knew we would sin.)
I think something we need to remember during tragedy is that God is sovereign and good. He is a good and loving God amidst everything bad. And oh my how I have struggled with the questions of 'why would a good God do this to me' and 'what did I do that was so bad to deserve this punishment of having my baby girl die before ever really knowing life'. God did this because Molly had served her purpose and the days that God specified for her before she was born were up. It was a way to bring people closer to Him. And neither Jeff nor I sinned so bad that we had to be punished, we were chosen. I don't know why and I don't necessarily like it, but we were. "Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin." (Deuteronomy 24:16) I don't know the purpose for these tragedies this week, but God has one. And these are just the tragedies we saw... there are probably many others from this past week that we don't even know about.
"There are only two things I can do in respect to God in a time of grief: I can move toward Him or I can move away from Him." (Dr. Paul David Tripp)
Ever since Molly died, I feel acutely more aware of pain and suffering and just really "feel" for people who are going through a hard time. My emotions are on a totally different level these days. Before Molly died, I would have seen the tragedies this week and been sad for a moment and then moved on with my day, yet again thankful that wasn't me or my family. Someday it will most likely happen to me or my family though and maybe yours too. So many people have told me that hearing Molly's story has made them appreciate their family more, cherish their time with their kids, hug them a little tighter and many other wonderful things. They are wonderful things, but it still brings a tear to my eye. Do we have to have a tragedy to make these things that much more important to us? I think the answer is an unfortunate yes. You don't know what you have till it's gone. The question is who is going to have to endure that tragedy and while it wasn't me (thankfully) this last week, it has been me before. That right there is God's purpose.
We went to Aggie Muster this past Sunday. If you've never been, you should go. It's one of the greatest Aggie traditions there is. Where two or more aggies gather wherever they are (all around the world) to enjoy some camaraderie while they remember fellow aggies lost over the last year, all ages. We went to the San Antonio Muster this year and as people still had tears in their eyes as they went to light the candle for their loved ones when their name and class year were called I shed a few tears with them myself. I kept thinking about how we didn't have a "technical" aggie with a class year pass away, but a little aggie in our hearts none the less. It was a rough week, but we still have hope in this fallen world. As I write this I can hear my little 4 year old singing in the other room, "Where You go I'll go, Where You stay, I'll stay, When You move, I'll move, I will follow You..." Seems only fitting to include this song on here now. :-)
Where You go, I'll go Where You stay, I'll stay When You move, I'll move I will follow...
All Your ways are good All Your ways are sure I will trust in You alone Higher than my side High above my life I will trust in You alone
Where You go, I'll go Where You stay, I'll stay When You move, I'll move I will follow You Who You love, I'll love How You serve I'll serve If this life I lose, I will follow You I will follow You Light unto the world Light unto my life I will live for You alone You're the one I seek Knowing I will find All I need in You alone, in You alone Where You go, I'll go Where You stay, I'll stay When You move, I'll move I will follow You Who You love, I'll love How You serve I'll serve If this life I lose, I will follow You I will follow You
In You there's life everlasting In You there's freedom for my soul In You there joy, unending joy and I will follow
Where You go, I'll go Where You stay, I'll stay When You move, I'll move I will follow You Who You love, I'll love How You serve I'll serve If this life I lose, I will follow You I will follow
"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow." (Jeremiah 31:13)
Well, Molly would have been 4 months old yesterday. It was one of the better monthly birthdays. Honestly, I didn't even realize it was her 4 month birthday until the boys were taking naps and it kind of made me feel guilty that I didn't wake up thinking about it. We had a busy morning at the zoo and I lost my wallet and my mind was taken over briefly. As time goes on, my mind seems to be taken over by something other than Molly more and more. I suppose that most people would think that's a good thing and I don't totally disagree, but it does leave some feelings of guilt along the way. I feel guilty because even though I'm not, it feels like I'm forgetting my baby girl. She could never be forgotten, but the mind (and the devil) have ways of playing tricks on you to make you think this, but in reality you are learning to move forward, not move on (learned this at Respite Retreat), but move forward. It's almost scary for me to think about. When I think about where I was at 3-1/2 months ago, moving forward at all seemed unthinkable and impossible. 3-1/2 months is not very long at all and I feel like I've come so far, not to brag too much here! Haha! I still struggle plenty, don't get me wrong. I'm still at a loss for words when people I don't know ask me how many kids I have or if I want to try for a girl with two boys already or if we want more kids. These people don't know me or my situation so I can't blame them, but that's usually when I have to change the subject or take a "restroom break". I can't even tell you how many conversations or situations I've cried about once I got to my car. Maybe someday these questions won't sting so much.
Looking back, I really feel like God was preparing us (best as could be prepared... don't think you could ever be fully prepared) for losing our baby girl. He sent us to San Antonio where there were advanced NICU's available to care for Molly. If we would have been in College Station, they would've had to take Molly to Houston to be cooled and according to our pediatrician in CS (yes, we talked to her about it), she probably wouldn't have made there. When we moved God gave us a nice big 5 bedroom house with plenty of room in anticipation of the space we would need for visitors during those 2 weeks. God put us in a financially good place so that we would not have that burden on top of our grief to worry about bills and groceries during the couple of months we were in a fog. God gave Jeff a good job with understanding supervisors when he was off of work for so long. God put us close to family that had easy access to us, our boys, the hospital our house and many other things we needed. God made sure we were surrounded by friends who loved us and supported us and picked up slack of things we couldn't even think of having to handle. He made sure someone (my parents) were taking care of the boys when I went into labor. He provided a midwife at the hospital that had a clue of what to do when nobody else did. Honestly, if I really sit here and think about it, the list could go on and on. God provided. God prepared. I would've never known that day, but looking back I can see it. And looking forward I can see how he is still providing and preparing. I had 3 people give me Nancy Guthrie books when Molly died... He was preparing me for a healing retreat. We received a Christmas gift of money in the exact amount we would need to go on this retreat and a monetary gift from others that was the exact amount needed for our plane tickets. God provided and prepared. We felt we needed some sort of counseling and were at a loss for even where to look. Nancy Guthrie had advised us to start going to a grief support group called Grief Share, where we started in January and now that it's coming to a close, we're afraid not to go anymore. We love it so much. God provided and prepared.
Since the day after Molly died, every time Jeff and I think of Molly we see a ladybug. It started the day we started planning her funeral, we stopped to get gas and 'Good Golly Miss Molly' was on the gas station radio and a ladybug landed in the truck. We both started crying. This ladybug was at the retreat in the room with us the whole weekend and come to find out there were like 20 in the bathtub the 2nd day there. There are countless other ladybug stories... ask me and I will tell you them! :-) This was one of the most special though.
I need to say a thank you again to all the people who have sent messages or emails to me about this blog. It is so encouraging to hear about all the ways Molly has touched or impacted your lives. To know that Molly has touched even one soul or strengthened one relationship with God, completely overflows my heart with joy. Pure joy! I have a "Molly's Impact Journal" and every time I get a message or a phone call, I write it down. The words you read come from the Lord. I've asked Him to work through Molly and myself through whatever means necessary to bring others closer to Him and I believe He is answering that prayer. I asked for encouragement and He sent all of you for me. You are all such a blessing to me and I pray your relationship with God grows more and more. That is really what life is about. It's hard to see that through a worldly lens, because so much does not revolve around God. Don't you want to go to heaven though? Don't you want to see the people you've lost and miss? Don't you want to live in the paradise God has prepared for you? Seek out the Lord and He will show you your purpose. He will deepen your relationship with Him.
Awhile back, Jeff said he heard a song that portrays how he feels (yes I'm sharing another song!) and I feel the same way.
Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find
All I know is I'm not home yet This is not where I belong Take this world and give me Jesus This is not where I belong So when the walls come falling down on me And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea I have this blessed assurance holding me.
All I know is I'm not home yet This is not where I belong Take this world and give me Jesus This is not where I belong
When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You
When the lights fade I wanna be found in You
All I know is I'm not home yet This is not where I belong Take this world and give me Jesus This is not where I belong
I know not everyone agrees I should be putting everything out there that I do on this blog, but if it inspires or brings one person closer to Jesus, then I think it's worth it. Plus, it puts my thoughts, rants, joys, sorrows and everything in between out there giving it meaning to me. I don't force anyone to read it, look at the pictures or hear the songs, so if you don't want to see or hear it, don't read it. That's the beauty of a blog. :-) If you want a deeper conversation or have questions, I'm totally open to that too.
We celebrated Easter last weekend and I'm not going to lie, it was hard. Really really hard. Christmas used to seem like the most significant Christian holiday to me and it is really significant... but Easter seems so much more important now than ever. Christmas is such a happy time because Christ was born into human flesh! It's a big deal and exciting! At Easter, it's still a happy celebration, but with a different tone. It's subdued. This Easter I found myself really reflecting on the fact that Jesus was human. He knew what it was like to feel human emotion such as sorrow, sadness and pain... and so many other feelings. He was fully human. I know he knows my sadness over Molly which is why He can comfort me. Not only did Jesus walk the earth as a human with human emotions, he obeyed God the whole time. Through all the temptation, evil, anger and all things Satan is for, he still stood firmly for God.
When I think about Molly's last 3 days or so, I always seem to immediately think of Jesus in the wilderness the night before he was crucified. Three times he asked God for this cup, this duty to die on a cross, to pass over him; if there were any other way; but not of his will, only if it was God's will. This is how I often felt praying for Molly. Please God, if there is any other way, please give us her life, but only if it's your will. I remember praying for it to please please be His will to let her live. She was His child before she was mine and He gave her to me for a brief time to care for and love and teach, just like He gave me Logan and Hunter to do these things. But in the end they are all His children first, He knows what's best for them and I just need to trust that. His will for Molly was to go home to Him sooner than I'd hoped and while I'm so sad, I'm also happy. She is in the presence of perfection. She has no hurt in her life. No evil, no struggle, no needs, no wants.... she has it all. She has God right there with her!
After Jesus was crucified for doing nothing wrong, he paid all the debt we'd ever need to get to go to heaven one day. Jesus didn't deserve this, he was perfect. We are the sinners, yet here is Jesus giving us a free ticket to heaven and all you have to is believe in Him. He made it so easy, yet there are still people who don't get it. You don't get to heaven by being a good person. You can commit the worst sins there ever was in human opinions, but in God's eyes a sin is a sin. Whether you murder someone or you gossip about someone, it's the same in God's eyes. So start again today, repent and try to do better tomorrow. You are going to fail no matter how much you strive to be like Jesus, but you don't stop trying and you don't stop believing. Jesus had faith that in 3 days he would be resurrected by God's power and he was. Easter, Jesus' resurrection is our ticket to heaven. God provided this way for us because He LOVES us.
"For God so LOVED THE WORLD that He gave His only Son, so that whoever BELIEVES IN HIM will not perish, but have ETERNAL LIFE." John 3:16
It says it right there in the Bible. You can stand firm in the Bible because it's true. It's not somebody's opinion about it and it's not made up in someones imagination, it's true and it's solid. When you have doubts, just look in the bible and you'll find reassurance. When you have questions, open the bible and it has answers. When you don't know who or what to believe, just go back to the basics of the bible and it will clear things up. It might take a little bit to find it if you don't where to look, but it will help you get to know the bible that much better (at least that's been my experience).
Easter was hard. It is something I'm so thankful for because it's the reason I will get to see Molly again, but I also see what she is missing with us. My brother and his wife had a baby girl, Emma, about 2-1/2 weeks after Molly was born and while we love her soooo much and are so thankful for her, it's a reminder of the fact that Molly is missing from the picture and it makes me sad right now. These were going to be two little girls who were going to be the same age and spending holidays together. I see her growing and people passing her around and I just miss Molly that much more. I love Emma with all my heart. I think someday she will be a happy reminder of where Molly would've been, but sometimes I hold her and just wish Molly were here to be a part of her life as well as everyone elses. I'm going to keep praying and having faith in God. He has met every need of comfort and peace I've asked for and I will keep asking because that's what He wants. He wants me to rely on Him.
