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| The balloons we released at Jon's Run with messages to our kids in heaven |
It's been awhile since I've written because I seem to have been quite busy lately, the boys and I have stayed sick the last month, and also because I've spent time just reflecting and thinking. Now there is a lot on my mind and I want to get it out! Haha! Sorry folks.... here it goes...
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| The littlest race runners supporting Team Molly (there were more, I just wasn't very good at getting pictures) |
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| Emma and her Mommy supporting Team Molly in her pink tutu! Love it! |
First, we represented Team Molly so well at Jon's Run. I know she was so proud of all of us! We had many people come out and participate and support us and just love on our family as we remembered Molly and I'm so grateful for everyone. We will definitely be doing it again next year, so keep it in mind!!
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| Logan went home sick and couldn't be in this picture, but we missed him and thought about him... He LOVED his little sister so very much! |
I got through Mother's Day and honestly I'm so blessed to have my two crazy little boys. I know there are those out there who go through losing a child and have no other children and my heart hurts for them just thinking about that. I have two crazy little boys, but I'm still a mother to three.
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| Went to visit our girl on Mother's Day... Miss her so much! (Btw, we are going to get her headstone done, I'm just apparently too picky) |
I know I've talked about how I've learned that grief comes in waves and just when you think you're doing well, you're hit with another wave. I have been doing well, so you know what that means.... I just got hit with another new and big wave the last couple weeks. In the beginning, my grief was mostly shock and denial and just thinking how could something this bad happen to us, then I was hit with mounds of sadness the next few months following that. I was so sad thinking about how old Molly would be, the milestones she would be hitting and just thinking about what she was missing out on. And if I'm really being honest, I just missed my baby that I didn't get hold very long. I just wanted to hold her and rock her again. Molly would've been 6 months old yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long since her birth. I still miss my girl and think about what she would be doing at this milestone and what color her eyes would be, how much hair she would have and how many battle scars she would've accumulated from her brothers. While I still have that kind of grief in my head and new kind has entered as well. I have this new fear for Logan and Hunter and their lives. Before having Molly, I was the type of person who knew there was risk in life, but that wasn't going to stop me from living. Now, while I don't think I let those risks stop me from living, they definitely give me anxiety I never had before. The thought of losing one of my boys shakes me to the core. I fear making wrong decisions for them from what they eat to where they go to who they go with. I was telling a friend the other day about a fear I had of turning into traffic one day. It was traffic hour and I needed to cross the road and go left and all I could think was that if I go at the wrong time, I could cause an accident and take my kids lives all at the same time. I'm not so crazy (I know it sounds like I am) that I don't go ahead and take the risk, but the thought process I go through that wasn't there before is unreal. Just another thing God is helping me get through. I know this is not logical and I know the truth. I know it's all in God's timing, but the devil works his way into my mind however he can. Satan can do all he wants to "mess with" the world, but I know that God ultimately holds the keys to death. Meaning, God decides who and when you walk through deaths door. Satan and sin may have had a role leading to someone's death, but it's ultimately God who opens that door or keeps it closed. It is His will and His will alone. So, while I try to do all I'm capable of to keep my kids safe, if God is ready to call them home there is nothing I can do stand in the way. I have so often thought that it was a sign that I couldn't find a doctor for so long to let me do a VBAC and that if I would've just "listened" to that sign I would have had a C-section for Molly, probably the week before she came and she'd be here today happy and healthy. In reality, this isn't the case. God decided it was time for Molly to come home and the means by which he takes her doesn't make a difference. He would have found another way to call her home.
"Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades" (Revelation 1:17-18)
I'm so thankful for a God who has so much love, grace and compassion for me. I feel like He opens my eyes more and more every day to learn about Him and love Him. My mind feels so small, like I can never have enough knowledge, can never have enough prayer, can never have enough of a releationship with Him. He has poured in me a thirst for Jesus and to be like Him as much as I possibly can. I'm so thankful for God's patience the last 30 years (oh yeah, did I mention I recently celebrated a significant birthday??) as I was so stubborn in my relationship with Him. Only by His grace am I here today.
I hurt so much because I loved so much. I'm thankful for Molly, for showing me so many things I never knew was in my heart before.
