The anxiety of figuring out who I am now

As my current pregnancy progresses, my anxiety about the delivery and the hospital stay and adding to our family increases.  I don't know how to go through pregnancy and delivery after having a loss... I've never don't it before.  And I can't help but wish I had Molly here to welcome her new baby brother.  I can't help the thought of a 1 in a million accident or situation occurring that would compromise this baby boy's life.  I find myself shying away more and more from talking about any feelings that might be negative because who wants to be the "Debbie Downer"?  I don't... people get uncomfortable and don't know what to say and feel sorry for me and while its normal reactions and I get it because I've been there, I don't want to be that "downer".  I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night, a show I've watched since its first season.  There is a scene that is a completely different situation than mine, yet I relate to it.  Arizona, a very happy and spunky girl loses her leg in a plane crash and her whole life is changed.  She doesn't wake up happy and spunky anymore and has to learn who this new person that doesn't wake up happy is and how to deal.  Anyway, she gave a little speech on how she is a different person now and she has to work harder at being happy, but she has come to realize she doesn't need much for that... Here is the link to the clip (which will go into another scene with Owen and Christina... I'm only talking about Arizona's little speech to Callie here).

http://abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy/video/most-recent/VDKA0_17dxg4q0

Sorry... too recent to be able to upload it as a video.  The reason I relate though is because I was almost naïve about something so big and life changing.  I thought, sure bad things happen to people and that really stinks, but with time they get over it and are the same person they were before.  That's just not true.  Not that I have to work hard to wake up happy, I'm generally a happy person.... but I have to work a little harder at being happy for someone's new pregnancy... or babies... I love babies, always have and still do... don't get me wrong!  But some days there is just a part of me that feels exhausted to be excited about those things when even after 15 months of losing mine, it still feels like yesterday and I just want to cry.  Sometimes I do cry.  I am always happy for people and their babies and I love babies and holding them... what I am saying is that some days more than others, its hard thinking of other babies without thinking about mine.  I am figuring out who this new person I am is because I don't think I will ever be the same person I was before in so many different ways. 

There is a song called "Oceans" and it's about having faith as you face and unknown future.  It's about leaning on God because you can't carry yourself.  It's about you being God's child and He is your father, therefore he will take care of you.  It's about God's grace and you stumble through this life.  And it's about keeping your eyes on him in order to stay above water... just like Peter when he walked on water.  (Matthew 14:22-33)  This song can apply to so many lives and so many situations... maybe it applies to yours in a different way than mine.  It still carries the same message... God is calling us to have true faith in the toughest that life has to offer.

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), feat. Taya Smith from bobmarshall on GodTube.

Today we brought new flowers to Molly.  It blesses my heart so so much when I see my boys happy to take Molly new flowers and talk about her.  Logan talks about her and heaven with such a happiness and joy... I think in his eyes Molly is in a wonderful place and he knows we will see her again someday, so he is happy and content with that.  If we could all see things through the clear eyes of a child.. Makes so much sense!  He can talk about Molly in heaven without shedding a tear, but with a smile. Love these boys... Can't wait to welcome their baby brother!
 

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.