Team Molly, Year 2



Thank you Tracy Babb for this big group photo!!

Guess what?  It's time for Jon's Run again!  Jon's Run is a 5K that was started because of one family who lost their baby to SIDS 12 years ago.  I happen to know Jon's mom, she was my choir teacher in middle school.  It's crazy the connection we share today.  They host this 5K to remember their son, Jon Carl Stephenson and raise funds that benefit Any Baby Can of San Antonio Center for Infant and Child loss.  There are many others who have also joined them in remembering lost children as well.  We are one of those families and this will be our second year to participate.  Last year was a really amazing time and I hope we have a great turnout again.  If you would like to walk/run with us here is the registration site:  http://carreraraces.com/teamhome.asp?TID=399.  We are Team Molly and our team code is: TeamM904.  It takes place on Saturday May 10, 2014 at Éilan Hotel Resort & Spa located on La Cantera Parkway.  The kids fun run will take place at 8:00 am and the 5K will begin at 8:30.  I have to admit that I can't wait to remember Molly and celebrate her little life and the impact it's had on the world.  God is so good!  He has turned sin, death in the world, into something good.  I'm so glad I serve a God that is that powerful and sovereign.

Last year we got shirts for our team and we want to do the same this year, but we have something different in mind.  Lots of you know that we have started The Molly June Foundation, whose primary mission is to support families in the NICU at North Central Baptist Hospital by supplying survival kits.  We hope to grow into much more someday, but right now we serve those closest to us.  We are trying to put together a T-shirt for people to buy where a portion of the proceeds will benefit the foundation.  That way, people who are walking with us could buy one, but also the people who aren't able to walk can still buy one and benefit our foundation.  I will let everyone know when that's ready.  In the meantime, register to walk with us on May 10!  We would love to have you as part of Team Molly. 

  'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

The anxiety of figuring out who I am now

As my current pregnancy progresses, my anxiety about the delivery and the hospital stay and adding to our family increases.  I don't know how to go through pregnancy and delivery after having a loss... I've never don't it before.  And I can't help but wish I had Molly here to welcome her new baby brother.  I can't help the thought of a 1 in a million accident or situation occurring that would compromise this baby boy's life.  I find myself shying away more and more from talking about any feelings that might be negative because who wants to be the "Debbie Downer"?  I don't... people get uncomfortable and don't know what to say and feel sorry for me and while its normal reactions and I get it because I've been there, I don't want to be that "downer".  I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night, a show I've watched since its first season.  There is a scene that is a completely different situation than mine, yet I relate to it.  Arizona, a very happy and spunky girl loses her leg in a plane crash and her whole life is changed.  She doesn't wake up happy and spunky anymore and has to learn who this new person that doesn't wake up happy is and how to deal.  Anyway, she gave a little speech on how she is a different person now and she has to work harder at being happy, but she has come to realize she doesn't need much for that... Here is the link to the clip (which will go into another scene with Owen and Christina... I'm only talking about Arizona's little speech to Callie here).

http://abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy/video/most-recent/VDKA0_17dxg4q0

Sorry... too recent to be able to upload it as a video.  The reason I relate though is because I was almost naïve about something so big and life changing.  I thought, sure bad things happen to people and that really stinks, but with time they get over it and are the same person they were before.  That's just not true.  Not that I have to work hard to wake up happy, I'm generally a happy person.... but I have to work a little harder at being happy for someone's new pregnancy... or babies... I love babies, always have and still do... don't get me wrong!  But some days there is just a part of me that feels exhausted to be excited about those things when even after 15 months of losing mine, it still feels like yesterday and I just want to cry.  Sometimes I do cry.  I am always happy for people and their babies and I love babies and holding them... what I am saying is that some days more than others, its hard thinking of other babies without thinking about mine.  I am figuring out who this new person I am is because I don't think I will ever be the same person I was before in so many different ways. 

There is a song called "Oceans" and it's about having faith as you face and unknown future.  It's about leaning on God because you can't carry yourself.  It's about you being God's child and He is your father, therefore he will take care of you.  It's about God's grace and you stumble through this life.  And it's about keeping your eyes on him in order to stay above water... just like Peter when he walked on water.  (Matthew 14:22-33)  This song can apply to so many lives and so many situations... maybe it applies to yours in a different way than mine.  It still carries the same message... God is calling us to have true faith in the toughest that life has to offer.

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), feat. Taya Smith from bobmarshall on GodTube.

Today we brought new flowers to Molly.  It blesses my heart so so much when I see my boys happy to take Molly new flowers and talk about her.  Logan talks about her and heaven with such a happiness and joy... I think in his eyes Molly is in a wonderful place and he knows we will see her again someday, so he is happy and content with that.  If we could all see things through the clear eyes of a child.. Makes so much sense!  He can talk about Molly in heaven without shedding a tear, but with a smile. Love these boys... Can't wait to welcome their baby brother!
 

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.     

Life just keeps going

Oh my goodness, some days I just get so overwhelmed with so many different thoughts and feelings and today is one of those days... I'm just going to dive right in. 

The world did not stop the day after Molly died, just like it doesn't stop with any death of anyone.  For the people who are close to the person that died, the world may not stop, but you definitely feel a jolt in your world and it's never the same.  There's an empty chair at the breakfast table the next day or one less person to take care of or one less interaction during the day.  Obviously Molly was not here long enough for those things, but in my case every day is one more dream I had for her going unfulfilled. I can't believe how much I miss her and the dreams I had for her.  I can't believe how much it feels like part of me is still missing.  Such a tiny girl who was only here for 7 days and it seems so long ago, yet it always kind of feels like it just happened. The ache I feel today has definitely become a little more dull and less often than the beginning, but the days I feel it or when something unexpectedly triggers it always feels raw and emotional all over again.  So today, as I shed a few tears over the things that will never be, it pushes me that much harder to the cross and the hope that lies in it.  I can't express the intensity of the push, I've never been pushed this hard before and I can't say I enjoy it.  I know this is part of God's purpose of Molly's life and His plan for mine and I keep thinking of Jesus' disciples who were persecuted and died because they loved Jesus that much.  I am obviously not being persecuted for my beliefs, but my point is sometimes following and trusting Jesus is hard.  Suffering and brokenness are a blessing, but they are hard... that's why they're a blessing.  One way I think about it is a race or a goal, that you're not totally sure you can finish... and it's hard and it's tiring, but the longer and harder you have to work at it , the more it makes the feeling at the finish line or completed goal that much sweeter.  Your accomplishment wouldn't feel as big or rewarding if it was easy. 

"...we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and HOPE DOES NOT DISSAPPOINT us, because God's love has been poured in our hearts through the holy spirit which has been given to us."  -Romans 5:3-5

Not the way I would've chosen to produce endurance, character and hope in Christ, but it was God's choice and I'm trusting that he knows best.  Thank you God for creating a thirst for Jesus in me!

Headed into the wonderful world of BOYS!  (as if we haven't already been there the past 5 years... ha!)

 

Speaking of trusting God... hehe.. Lots of people are curious to how I feel about becoming a mommy to a third baby boy.  I feel like the question on everyone's mind is "am I disappointed that we will be getting another boy?"  My answer: NOWAY!   I am completely in love with this little man already!  Don't get me wrong, I did have a moment after finding out the gender where I was disappointed.  After all, the only little girl I was given was taken away.  The moment of disappointment was followed by a very brief moment of relief.  Does that sound weird?  If I were to be having another girl, would I be replacing my sweet Molly?  Would she not be as special?  Would I have more fear during this pregnancy than I already do?  I don't really know the answer to these questions, because we aren't having a girl and I'm glad I don't feel the burden of these.  All of this was overwhelmingly followed with thoughts (no doubt from God) about how special this sweet boy would be.  God must have something really big and amazing planned for him because if Molly were here, and I'm just being honest, but there is a good chance this third son wouldn't be.  Even if we planned on having more children after Molly, I don't know if it would be so soon.  ;)  God has a great plan for this kid who will be born exactly when God wanted serving the purpose of God's will.  I could daydream about this little guy and what his life will be all day long!  No matter what he does or is, I will know that's it's all part of something bigger.  And another side note, I've decided to completely embrace my boy mom status.  I'm so excited for sports and games and the crazy loud wonderful chaos that comes with trying to raise Godly men in an ungodly world.  Some are reading this thinking that I'm trying to convince myself of these things, but I don't think I could write it for all to see until I felt it completely.  Thank you God for the peace and passion you've given me for my boys!  I love them and am so thankful for the gift of them!!

LOVE my goofy guys so much it hurts!

Has it been 11 months??

Well, it has not quite been 11 months, but almost.... November 9 will be Molly's 11 month birthday.  I remember thinking at Molly's 1 month birthday that I wish I was at 6 or 12 months out because I couldn't imagine life at that moment not hurting as bad as it did.  I knew surely it was a little more bearable though.  I was right.  It's even kind of hard to admit that.  I don't always even want the hurt to be completely gone, because it makes me feel a false guilt that maybe I'm forgetting my sweet Molly.  I know that would never be true, but Satan can attack your weakest areas and at times and that's one of mine.  The thought that we are having too much fun, laughing too much, haven't been to her graveside enough, don't talk about her enough....  Through those thoughts I can hear the holy spirit whispering to my heart that none of that is true.  I will always love Molly, even if life does get a little easier. 

Obviously if Molly's 11 month birthday is coming up, so is her 1st birthday.  We wanted to do something for her birthday that would bless others the way we were blessed a year ago.  So, for the month of November (and beginning of December) we would like to make a donation in honor of our Molly June to Threads of Love.  Please go to our website, www.MollyJune.org, to learn more about it.  We want to take the day of December 9th this year to help others while we remember Molly.  Please don't feel pressure to do this, but if you can or feel led, please help us.  The Threads of Love chapter that we will be donating to seems to really be struggling and I feel this would be a huge blessing.  Thank you family and friends!  We can always count on you to be there for us!

Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you.   Deuteronomy16:17

P.S. I'm hoping I can start doing a little more blogging again soon.  Since moving we still have not set up any kind of computer and it's not easy to do a lot of writing on an iPad (at least it's not my preferance).   Good night and hope to hear from all of you soon!

Hit with a new wave

The balloons we released at Jon's Run with messages to our kids in heaven

It's been awhile since I've written because I seem to have been quite busy lately, the boys and I have stayed sick the last month, and also because I've spent time just reflecting and thinking.  Now there is a lot on my mind and I want to get it out!  Haha!  Sorry folks.... here it goes...

The littlest race runners supporting Team Molly (there were more, I just wasn't very good at getting pictures)

Emma and her Mommy supporting Team Molly in her pink tutu!  Love it!

 First, we represented Team Molly so well at Jon's Run.  I know she was so proud of all of us!  We had many people come out and participate and support us and just love on our family as we remembered Molly and I'm so grateful for everyone.  We will definitely be doing it again next year, so keep it in mind!!

Logan went home sick and couldn't be in this picture, but we missed him and thought about him... He LOVED his little sister so very much!

I got through Mother's Day and honestly I'm so blessed to have my two crazy little boys.  I know there are those out there who go through losing a child and have no other children and my heart hurts for them just thinking about that.  I have two crazy little boys, but I'm still a mother to three. 

Went to visit our girl on Mother's Day... Miss her so much!  (Btw, we are going to get her headstone done, I'm just apparently too picky)

I know I've talked about how I've learned that grief comes in waves and just when you think you're doing well, you're hit with another wave.  I have been doing well, so you know what that means.... I just got hit with another new and big wave the last couple weeks.  In the beginning, my grief was mostly shock and denial and just thinking how could something this bad happen to us, then I was hit with mounds of sadness the next few months following that.  I was so sad thinking about how old Molly would be, the milestones she would be hitting and just thinking about what she was missing out on.  And if I'm really being honest, I just missed my baby that I didn't get hold very long.  I just wanted to hold her and rock her again.  Molly would've been 6 months old yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long since her birth.  I still miss my girl and think about what she would be doing at this milestone and what color her eyes would be, how much hair she would have and how many battle scars she would've accumulated from her brothers.  While I still have that kind of grief in my head and new kind has entered as well.  I have this new fear for Logan and Hunter and their lives.  Before having Molly, I was the type of person who knew there was risk in life, but that wasn't going to stop me from living.  Now, while I don't think I let those risks stop me from living, they definitely give me anxiety I never had before.  The thought of losing one of my boys shakes me to the core.  I fear making wrong decisions for them from what they eat to where they go to who they go with.  I was telling a friend the other day about a fear I had of turning into traffic one day.  It was traffic hour and I needed to cross the road and go left and all I could think was that if I go at the wrong time, I could cause an accident and take my kids lives all at the same time.  I'm not so crazy (I know it sounds like I am) that I don't go ahead and take the risk, but the thought process I go through that wasn't there before is unreal.  Just another thing God is helping me get through.  I know this is not logical and I know the truth.  I know it's all in God's timing, but the devil works his way into my mind however he can.  Satan can do all he wants to "mess with" the world, but I know that God ultimately holds the keys to death.  Meaning, God decides who and when you walk through deaths door.  Satan and sin may have had a role leading to someone's death, but it's ultimately God who opens that door or keeps it closed.  It is His will and His will alone.  So, while I try to do all I'm capable of to keep my kids safe, if God is ready to call them home there is nothing I can do stand in the way.  I have so often thought that it was a sign that I couldn't find a doctor for so long to let me do a VBAC and that if I would've just "listened" to that sign I would have had a C-section for Molly, probably the week before she came and she'd be here today happy and healthy.  In reality, this isn't the case.  God decided it was time for Molly to come home and the means by which he takes her doesn't make a difference.  He would have found another way to call her home. 

"Do not be afraid.  I am the First and the Last.  I am the Living One;  I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!  And I hold the keys of death and Hades"  (Revelation 1:17-18)

I'm so thankful for a God who has so much love, grace and compassion for me.  I feel like He opens my eyes more and more every day to learn about Him and love Him.  My mind feels so small, like I can never have enough knowledge, can never have enough prayer, can never have enough of a releationship with Him.  He has poured in me a thirst for Jesus and to be like Him as much as I possibly can. I'm so thankful for God's patience the last 30 years (oh yeah, did I mention I recently celebrated a significant birthday??) as I was so stubborn in my relationship with Him.  Only by His grace am I here today.

I hurt so much because I loved so much.  I'm thankful for Molly, for showing me so many things I never knew was in my heart before. 

Team Molly

This weekend is Jon's Run and Mother's Day and I can already feel the anticpation as we lead up to it.  I want it to be a good and memorable weekend, but the worry of too many overwhelming emotions with so many people around is a little intimidating. I am praying for God to get me through it and I believe it may be hard, but will be so good as well.

Jon's Run is a 5K where we raise money to support the Infant and Child Loss Center at Any Baby Can while we remember our children who have passed away.  The first run was held 11 years ago and was started to remember Jon Stephenson, a baby who passed away from SIDS.  I personally feel a special connection to Jon's family because his mommy was my middle school choir teacher at Wood Middle School.  What a small world!  Melissa (Mrs. French... as I still feel I need to call her) has been super encouraging and I can't wait to see her on Saturday! 

We have formed our own Team Molly and have 56 donors and 42 runners that have raised $775!  Wow!  That is so amazing!  We are most definitely praising God!  I'm so excited for everyone to come together Saturday just to celebrate Molly's short life and remember her and it's not too late to register if you still want to.  It's already bringing tears to my eyes.  For our team, we have shirts and bracelets that have Matthew 19:14 on them, which reads, 'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."'  While I do believe that God holds a special place in heaven for babies and children who die young, I think this verse is talking about heaven belonging to people with faith like a child.  Jesus wants us to come to Him without hinderance with absolute faith that he can move mountains.  Thinking about children, you can tell them almost any story and they will believe it to be true (Santa Clause, tooth fairy, cross your eyes and they will stay that way, etc.), but the more the world starts to influence them the less faith they have in that story.  So we chose this verse not only because it shows Christs love of children and heaven belonging to them, but because it shows how Christ's loves us and heaven belongs to those with faith.  It's hard to put the symbolism into words, but I hope you understand.  And these bracelets and shirts will hopefully be a reminder to have absolute faith in God, even when it's hard, because those who do belong in the kingdom of heaven someday. 

Speaking of reminders of faith, I was listening to KLOVE the other day and sometimes God will send a message that is clear as a bell.  It is so easy to get caught up in getting our to-do list done, run the errands, get the kids here and there, pay the bills, etc. that all we want to do is survive, but what we need to be doing is making a concious effort to THRIVE.  Make time in our busy lives to meditate on God's word, spend it in prayer, show God's word to others and just make Him a priority.  The perfectionist in me is always trying to get everything done and be that creative mom that goes above and beyond, but sometimes I just have to let some of it go and re-focus myself on the Lord.  Some of my sweetest, most precios moments in my relationship with God  were the first few weeks after Molly died.  When I feel myself getting too caught up in "surviving", I have to force myself to take a step back because I want to get to that place with God again.  It's a constant, never ending juggle and some are better than others at it.  I have never been great at it, but have to make a concious effort about it.  I just wanted to tell everyone to keep working on your faith.  Some days are easy to fit in and others are so hard.... just gotta keep doing our best and working on it.  It can always get better!

I can't wait to see y'all this weekend!!

Not every day is hard

April 17, 2013

A few months ago I never thought I'd say those words.  Not every day is easy, but not every day is hard.  In January we started going to a group at church called Grief Share.  When we registered for our Respite Retreat, we knew we needed to do something to address our grief of Molly and Nancy suggested we find a Grief Share group.  They are all over the U.S. and are not just for people who have lost children.  It is a group for  anyone with any kind of loss and it basically shows you how to get through grief without getting stuck in it.  I remember going that first week and crying the whole way there because of nerves and sadness and just the unknown.  Honestly, I thought we'd go one week and it would be a room full of senior citizens (no offense to the older folks out there! Haha) whose family and friends were all dieing and they were sad about it.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  We absolutely did belong and there were people of all ages with all different kinds of losses. In the beginning, the first few weeks there were always new people so every week we would go around the room and you had to introduce yourself and say who it was that you lost.  The very first week I couldn't even get a single word out.  Jeff had to introduce us and say we lost our baby and he could barely get that out himself.  The next 2 or 3 weeks I was able to say the words, but not without sobbing through them.  Now, we have just had our last meeting last night and because there were new people we went around the room and Jeff and I both could do it without batting and eye or even shedding a tear for that matter.  This may seem like no big deal to some, but if you would have seen us before, during and after (especially after) those meetings the first few weeks, you'd know we've come a long way. 

All 3 grandkids wanted in Pop's lap

This past weekend (sorry Megan and Michael... I'm bringing you up again... let me know if you don't want to be in the blog, I totally understand :-)) Michael and Megan (parents to my sweet niece Emma) came back to town.  We went out Friday night and even though there was random heavy conversation here and there that didn't last long, it was just a really fun night.  Honestly, I feel like the fact that they would bring up Molly or just that they had thought about us, just really relaxed me.  I always feel like people are watching me to see if I'm going to have an emotional break down and they are afraid to say anything about the elephant in the room, Molly's death.  I very well could be paranoid, but most won't mention it unless I do for fear of the emotional break down I mentioned above.  For me, just to know someone can talk to me without that fear, whether I do or don't get emotional, makes me feel happier and at ease.  Logan loves Emma so much (Hunter does too, but can't vocalize it as well), so he wanted to go spend the night with her at Nana & Pop's on Saturday and the rest of us would come out Sunday after church.  Sunday was a really good day and I really enjoyed Emma.  At Easter, there seemed to be so much more pressure because I just feel like everyone is always watching me, especially during holidays, to see how I handle them.  I feel like they are especially interested to see my reaction when there is another baby involved and I think that's just a fact of life.  I would be watching to see how someone who just lost a baby reacts a christmas to somebody elses.  It is just not a fun fact of life and I think I probably put more pressure on myself in this situation than anybody else does.  My point is that Sunday was really good though.  I had a moment of pain as we took pictures of the three kids though.  My first thought was Molly would be able to hold her head up like Emma now and the pictures of my 3 kids would be similiar to this.  My second thought was that I wish there were 4 kids sitting in Pop's lap.  My third thought was how amazed I was at how much Logan and Hunter really love Emma and how good they are with her.  They would have been really good big brothers to Molly.  Then, my sad moment passed and I was able to go on with the day. 

"For I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow."  --Jeremiah 31:13

Some days are so busy that there aren't many sad moments and I guess people call these "good days".  I think they are just busy days.  Some days are just bad and I can't get anything done because I miss my Molly so much and wish I had a daughter to do girl stuff with.  I know you can't do a whole lot of "girl stuff" with a 4 month old, but you can dress them up and put bows in their hair!  Can't do that with Logan and Hunter (even though I've tried before... Haha... They don't like it).  Then there are some days that are mostly good with some sad moments.  I've found that's usually how my days go lately.  I can pretty much fully function after a 20 minute cry session and I'm very ok with that.  Honestly, I feel so proud of that because I don't think I was able to do that in January. 

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." --Romans 8:18

On our last night of Grief Share, we wrote messages to our lost loved ones on balloons and then released them to heaven.

Every post I write is always just so heavy and while I'm writing from the heart and what the Lord lays on it that day, I also feel that you need to know I'm still on that journey to joy.  I'm not at the end (who knows if I will ever be), but I feel like there's been so much progress.  I wanted to lighten things up again and tell you that I'm not always in tears, though they are still there and I'm not always sad, though that is still there as well.  Grief Share last night was all about heaven and that is something that gives me joy in itself.  Something I struggle with though is questioning if I'm more excited to see Molly one day in heaven or seeing Christ himself.  Christ should be my motivation.