Life just keeps going

Oh my goodness, some days I just get so overwhelmed with so many different thoughts and feelings and today is one of those days... I'm just going to dive right in. 

The world did not stop the day after Molly died, just like it doesn't stop with any death of anyone.  For the people who are close to the person that died, the world may not stop, but you definitely feel a jolt in your world and it's never the same.  There's an empty chair at the breakfast table the next day or one less person to take care of or one less interaction during the day.  Obviously Molly was not here long enough for those things, but in my case every day is one more dream I had for her going unfulfilled. I can't believe how much I miss her and the dreams I had for her.  I can't believe how much it feels like part of me is still missing.  Such a tiny girl who was only here for 7 days and it seems so long ago, yet it always kind of feels like it just happened. The ache I feel today has definitely become a little more dull and less often than the beginning, but the days I feel it or when something unexpectedly triggers it always feels raw and emotional all over again.  So today, as I shed a few tears over the things that will never be, it pushes me that much harder to the cross and the hope that lies in it.  I can't express the intensity of the push, I've never been pushed this hard before and I can't say I enjoy it.  I know this is part of God's purpose of Molly's life and His plan for mine and I keep thinking of Jesus' disciples who were persecuted and died because they loved Jesus that much.  I am obviously not being persecuted for my beliefs, but my point is sometimes following and trusting Jesus is hard.  Suffering and brokenness are a blessing, but they are hard... that's why they're a blessing.  One way I think about it is a race or a goal, that you're not totally sure you can finish... and it's hard and it's tiring, but the longer and harder you have to work at it , the more it makes the feeling at the finish line or completed goal that much sweeter.  Your accomplishment wouldn't feel as big or rewarding if it was easy. 

"...we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and HOPE DOES NOT DISSAPPOINT us, because God's love has been poured in our hearts through the holy spirit which has been given to us."  -Romans 5:3-5

Not the way I would've chosen to produce endurance, character and hope in Christ, but it was God's choice and I'm trusting that he knows best.  Thank you God for creating a thirst for Jesus in me!

Headed into the wonderful world of BOYS!  (as if we haven't already been there the past 5 years... ha!)

 

Speaking of trusting God... hehe.. Lots of people are curious to how I feel about becoming a mommy to a third baby boy.  I feel like the question on everyone's mind is "am I disappointed that we will be getting another boy?"  My answer: NOWAY!   I am completely in love with this little man already!  Don't get me wrong, I did have a moment after finding out the gender where I was disappointed.  After all, the only little girl I was given was taken away.  The moment of disappointment was followed by a very brief moment of relief.  Does that sound weird?  If I were to be having another girl, would I be replacing my sweet Molly?  Would she not be as special?  Would I have more fear during this pregnancy than I already do?  I don't really know the answer to these questions, because we aren't having a girl and I'm glad I don't feel the burden of these.  All of this was overwhelmingly followed with thoughts (no doubt from God) about how special this sweet boy would be.  God must have something really big and amazing planned for him because if Molly were here, and I'm just being honest, but there is a good chance this third son wouldn't be.  Even if we planned on having more children after Molly, I don't know if it would be so soon.  ;)  God has a great plan for this kid who will be born exactly when God wanted serving the purpose of God's will.  I could daydream about this little guy and what his life will be all day long!  No matter what he does or is, I will know that's it's all part of something bigger.  And another side note, I've decided to completely embrace my boy mom status.  I'm so excited for sports and games and the crazy loud wonderful chaos that comes with trying to raise Godly men in an ungodly world.  Some are reading this thinking that I'm trying to convince myself of these things, but I don't think I could write it for all to see until I felt it completely.  Thank you God for the peace and passion you've given me for my boys!  I love them and am so thankful for the gift of them!!

LOVE my goofy guys so much it hurts!