During the time that Molly was in the NICU a professional photographer came and took pictures of her and us and our boys. I got those pictures yesterday morning and I had originally intended on coming home and looking at them immediately. When I picked them up, our photographer Jennifer advised me to look at them when I wouldn't be forced to rush through them and to not look at them alone if it could be helped. I'm so glad for this advice. I waited for Jeff to get home from work and after we put the boys to bed and had a shower we sat down to watch a slide show she had put together for us. It was emotional, but they were so beautiful and I can't tell you how much I treasure it. I plan to put it on the blog at some point, but not now. They say your grief comes in waves and for the most part it has. I will go along and think I'm doing so well, then it'll hit me and I get pushed back a little... I cry a little... then I get up and start going again. Going to where? I'm not sure... I think it's just a place of joy I'm trying to get to. I feel I'm at a place of hope right now, no doubt. Anyway, when I watched the slideshow, it wasn't just a wave that pushed me back, it was more of a tsunami. I feel like I am right back at the beginning and all of the raw emotions of when we lost Molly came flooding back. It feels like everything just happened last week when in reality it was 2-1/2 months ago. I suppose I just get up again and keep moving toward joy, yet again.
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| This was taken right after Thanksgiving at the New Braunfels tree lighting. We were ready for little Molly to come! |
My pregnancy with Molly was by far the hardest I'd had. Those first 4 months or so, feeling sick or nauseous was constant and I was beyond exhausted. I thought I was tired when I was pregnant with Logan, then I was pregnant with Hunter. I was soooooo tired with Hunter, way more so than with Logan. Then I became pregnant with Molly and that took the cake. I was so tired all the time... I didn't care about any extras as long as everyone was fed and dressed (not even dressed sometimes.. ha!) and got naps, that was all I needed for that moment. My doctor told me I was no more tired than the first pregnancy, I just had two little kids to go along with it this time... and let me tell you that it's not easy taking care of a 3 year old and 8 month old when you feel sick and exhausted. LOL
I was going to be attempting another VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) the way I had with Hunter. I had an amazingly great experience with Hunter and I loved my doctor and the hospital and nurses and was excited to go for it again. Plus, after we found out that Molly was a girl, we weren't positive, but we knew it was likely that this would be our last pregnancy and I wanted to make the most of it. Then Jeff got a job offer.... not in College Station. Bye-bye amazing doctor and nurses.
Jeff got offered a job with ConocoPhillips in the Eagleford (all those details are a whole new blog post.. haha), so that meant we needed to move and it happened fast, so that's what we would do. We had moved to College Station when I was pregnant with Hunter (seems that every time I get pregnant we change jobs and move), so I had done it before, would it really be that bad? We had movers this time, so surely not.... I was wrong. First, everything happened a lot faster and there were not a whole lot of options when it came to places to live. So, we moved to my parents mobile home across the street from them while we figured it out. I wanted to be near San Antonio since I was pregnant and attempting a VBAC and would not be having a baby in one of the small town hospitals (most didn't deliver babies anyway I found out). It was harder this time because nothing was convenient, it was a long drive no matter where we were going.. school, work, grocery store, doctor, etc. Plus, instead of 1 child to worry about, I had 2. And one was barely off bottles and took 2 naps a day still. We didn't easily find a church we liked the way we had in College Station. There was no clear pre-school we wanted Logan to go to like in CS. If I wanted to check out a pre-school or church, it was a big deal to coordinate where as it was no more than 10 minutes to everywhere in CS. Once we finally figured out a pre-school for Logan, it was time for me to find a doctor. Little did I know that NOBODY in San Antonio did VBAC's. There is only 1 practice and 2 hospitals that will allow them. So the weeks I had spent trying to find a good doctor were a waste, because none would agree to a VBAC. Something also completely different from our CS experience. I didn't even have to look for someone to agree to it there, the one doctor everyone had reccomended specialized in it. I didn't know it was something hard to find until we moved. During this emotional rollercoaster I had my gestational diabetes screening several times because it came back with borderline numbers twice. My doctor in CS told me not to worry about it, just watch my carb intake. My new doctor I ended up with in San Antonio was a strict rule follower and technically I had failed, so she insisted I go to the gestational diabetes class and begin monitoring my blood sugar. Not like I had anything else on my plate at the moment, what was one more thing, right?? I had regular doctor appointment and seperate gestational diabetes appointments, which children were not allowed at. Thank goodness for my mom!!! I'm not sure what we would have done without both my parents and my sister being close by because I had to rely on them for EVERYTHING. Which if you know me, I'd rather take care of everything myself... good thing the Lord was watching out for us. I never had any issues with my blood sugar once everything calmed down. It was never high and Molly was measuring small to just right. I think I just had to get over the stress. We got in a house of our own, which helped tremendously, got into a little bit more of a routine and just did the best we could because we knew we'd have a new little baby girl to add to the mix in December. Our last baby.. so we thought..
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| Our little Christmas angel |
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." --Romans 8:28
I have always listened to christian music, but ever since Molly died I love listening to it and applying to my life or my situation, or even someone else's life that it makes me think about. As I am walking through this dark valley of my life, I'm still holding on to God's promises for me. One promise He has made me is that all things will work together for good and for His glory, no matter how grim they seem in this moment. He promises to never forsake me and always love me. He promises that nothing can seperate us, not life or death, from his eternal love. He promises that I will see my loved ones again one day... that is a promise to see Molly again and I have complete faith in that. Here is a song by Sanctus Real called Promises:
Sanctus Real - Promises (Official Music Video) from sanctus-real on GodTube.
Sometimes it's hard to keep believing
In what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason
Even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer
And you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages
Let His word be your strength
And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (alright)
Jesus is alive so hold tight
Hold on to the promises
All things work for the good
Of those who love God
He holds back nothing that will heal you
Not even His own Son
His love is everlasting
His faithfulness unending
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
So if you feel weak
Neither life, nor death
Could seperate us
From the eternal love
Of our God who saves us
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