Being Pregnant... for the last time?

February 28, 2013

During the time that Molly was in the NICU a professional photographer came and took pictures of her and us and our boys.  I got those pictures yesterday morning and I had originally intended on coming home and looking at them immediately.  When I picked them up, our photographer Jennifer advised me to look at them when I wouldn't be forced to rush through them and to not look at them alone if it could be helped.  I'm so glad for this advice.  I waited for Jeff to get home from work and after we put the boys to bed and had a shower we sat down to watch a slide show she had put together for us.  It was emotional, but they were so beautiful and I can't tell you how much I treasure it.  I plan to put it on the blog at some point, but not now.  They say your grief comes in waves and for the most part it has.  I will go along and think I'm doing so well, then it'll hit me and I get pushed back a little... I cry a little... then I get up and start going again. Going to where?  I'm not sure... I think it's just a place of joy I'm trying to get to.  I feel I'm at a place of hope right now, no doubt.  Anyway, when I watched the slideshow, it wasn't just a wave that pushed me back, it was more of a tsunami.  I feel like I am right back at the beginning and all of the raw emotions of when we lost Molly came flooding back.  It feels like everything just happened last week when in reality it was 2-1/2 months ago.  I suppose I just get up again and keep moving toward joy, yet again.

This was taken right after Thanksgiving at the New Braunfels tree lighting.  We were ready for little Molly to come!

My pregnancy with Molly was by far the hardest I'd had.  Those first 4 months or so, feeling sick or nauseous was constant and I was beyond exhausted.  I thought I was tired when I was pregnant with Logan, then I was pregnant with Hunter.  I was soooooo tired with Hunter, way more so than with Logan.  Then I became pregnant with Molly and that took the cake.  I was so tired all the time... I didn't care about any extras as long as everyone was fed and dressed (not even dressed sometimes.. ha!) and got naps, that was all I needed for that moment.  My doctor told me I was no more tired than the first pregnancy, I just had two little kids to go along with it this time... and let me tell you that it's not easy taking care of a 3 year old and 8 month old when you feel sick and exhausted.  LOL 

I was going to be attempting another VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) the way I had with Hunter.  I had an amazingly great experience with Hunter and I loved my doctor and the hospital and nurses and was excited to go for it again.  Plus, after we found out that Molly was a girl, we weren't positive, but we knew it was likely that this would be our last pregnancy and I wanted to make the most of it.  Then Jeff got a job offer.... not in College Station.  Bye-bye amazing doctor and nurses.

Jeff got offered a job with ConocoPhillips in the Eagleford (all those details are a whole new blog post.. haha), so that meant we needed to move and it happened fast, so that's what we would do.  We had moved to College Station when I was pregnant with Hunter (seems that every time I get pregnant we change jobs and move), so I had done it before, would it really be that bad? We had movers this time, so surely not.... I was wrong.  First, everything happened a lot faster and there were not a whole lot of options when it came to places to live.  So, we moved to my parents mobile home across the street from them while we figured it out.  I wanted to be near San Antonio since I was pregnant and attempting a VBAC and would not be having a baby in one of the small town hospitals (most didn't deliver babies anyway I found out).  It was harder this time because nothing was convenient, it was a long drive no matter where we were going.. school, work, grocery store, doctor, etc.  Plus, instead of 1 child to worry about, I had 2.  And one was barely off bottles and took 2 naps a day still.  We didn't easily find a church we liked the way we had in College Station.  There was no clear pre-school we wanted Logan to go to like in CS. If I wanted to check out a pre-school or church, it was a big deal to coordinate where as it was no more than 10 minutes to everywhere in CS.  Once we finally figured out a pre-school for Logan, it was time for me to find a doctor.  Little did I know that NOBODY in San Antonio did VBAC's.  There is only 1 practice and 2 hospitals that will allow them.  So the weeks I had spent trying to find a good doctor were a waste, because none would agree to a VBAC.  Something also completely different from our CS experience. I didn't even have to look for someone to agree to it there, the one doctor everyone had reccomended specialized in it.  I didn't know it was something hard to find until we moved.  During this emotional rollercoaster I had my gestational diabetes screening several times because it came back with borderline numbers twice.  My doctor in CS told me not to worry about it, just watch my carb intake.  My new doctor I ended up with in San Antonio was a strict rule follower and technically I had failed, so she insisted I go to the gestational diabetes class and begin monitoring my blood sugar.  Not like I had anything else on my plate at the moment, what was one more thing, right??  I had regular doctor appointment and seperate gestational diabetes appointments, which children were not allowed at.  Thank goodness for my mom!!!  I'm not sure what we would have done without both my parents and my sister being close by because I had to rely on them for EVERYTHING.  Which if you know me, I'd rather take care of everything myself... good thing the Lord was watching out for us.  I never had any issues with my blood sugar once everything calmed down.  It was never high and Molly was measuring small to just right.  I think I just had to get over the stress.  We got in a house of our own, which helped tremendously, got into a little bit more of a routine and just did the best we could because we knew we'd have a new little baby girl to add to the mix in December. Our last baby.. so we thought.. 

Our little Christmas angel

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." --Romans 8:28

I have always listened to christian music, but ever since Molly died I love listening to it and applying to my life or my situation, or even someone else's life that it makes me think about.  As I am walking through this dark valley of my life, I'm still holding on to God's promises for me.  One promise He has made me is that all things will work together for good and for His glory, no matter how grim they seem in this moment.  He promises to never forsake me and always love me.  He promises that nothing can seperate us, not life or death, from his eternal love.  He promises that I will see my loved ones again one day... that is a promise to see Molly again and I have complete faith in that.  Here is a song by Sanctus Real called Promises: 


Sanctus Real - Promises (Official Music Video) from sanctus-real on GodTube.

Sometimes it's hard to keep believing

In what you can't see

That everything happens for a reason

Even the worst life brings

If you're reaching for an answer

And you don't know what to pray

Just open up the pages

Let His word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)

Hold on to the promises (alright)

Jesus is alive so hold tight

Hold on to the promises

All things work for the good

Of those who love God

He holds back nothing that will heal you

Not even His own Son

His love is everlasting

His faithfulness unending

Oh, if God is for us who can be against us

So if you feel weak

Neither life, nor death

Could seperate us

From the eternal love

Of our God who saves us

Breaking the news

February 17, 2013

After we found out we were expecting again, Jeff was ready to announce it to the world.  I on the other hand would've waited a month or two on this pregnancy because not only was I not ready for it and shocked myself, but I could only imagine the judgement I was about to receive from everyone.  I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me, but what can I say?  I'm human and I do.  Something I've struggled with my entire life.  Easter was coming up that next weekend, we were headed to East Texas and Jeff thought it would be the perfect time to tell everyone.  I immediately said no and no matter what argument he gave, I was not going to do it and he wasn't going to convince me otherwise.  I did tell him that we needed to make sure we got a picture of the 4 of us during the weekend though, because when I was ready, I'd use it to announce. 

We spent Easter not saying much because the only thing on our minds was this new baby coming.  I even recall a lot of talk about losing weight and weight watchers because I had just started weight watchers 2 or 3 weeks before.  Go figure!  I get serious about losing weight and I get pregnant!  LOL!  People asked how it was going and what I was doing.... blah blah blah.... I wasn't doing anything anymore because I was pregnant and weight watchers was no longer at the top of my priority list. 

We got home that Sunday night and Jeff told me that he could not take this anymore! Haha... he said he kept "almost saying something" in reference to a new baby coming.  I told him, "OK, we can tell people.... but I can't do it in person or over the phone.  I will start crying and won't talk and I don't want to do that."  So, I used the pictures we'd taken that weekend and came up with these to email everyone:

I think everyone got a kick out them.  I got a few jokes about "do we know how babies are made" and were we trying to be like the Duggars and a few others.  I know pretty much everyone was as shocked as were, but it seemed like everyone was still happy and so was I. 

Whew!.... Glad we got through all that.....

“You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” --Luke 16:15



On this day exactly 2 months ago, my sweet little baby Molly died in my arms.  Molly's death has changed me forever and I will never be the same.  There will always be a part of me missing from this Earth.  I want people to know that although I will never be the same and there will always be this little girl missing from my life, I am on a journey to find hope and joy in life despite losing Molly.  I speculate that this is happening much faster than it otherwise would've because of my two precious boys, Logan and Hunter.  They bring a lighter feeling to my life and can melt any feelings of guilt I have in an instant.  I love them so much!  Just like I love Molly so much.

“You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book” --Psalm 139:13-16

Our surprise pregnancy

February 16, 2013

It all started on a warm day in March.  Jeff was at a work conference in San Antonio (we were living in College Station) at the Hill Country Resort.  We were staying with mom and dad in Castroville, so I would go spend the night at the Resort and let mom babysit.  She and the boys would come swim in the lazy river with us during the day.  One day, Jeff and I even went to Sea World by ourselves and rode the rollercoasters over and over.  So fun!  I suspected I might be pregnant, but really thought there was no way.  Hunter was 8 months old and surely there was no way I was pregnant, right?  Curiosity got the best of me and I went and bought a 2 pack pregnancy test and took it the next morning.  I was stunned when I saw it was positive, so of course I took the 2nd one to be sure.  Yep, positive again... then my mind began spinning. 

Here is where my current guilty feelings begin.  I waited all day that day and did not say a word to anyone, which if you know me, you know that's not easy for me.  But it was pretty easy that day... what wasn't easy was trying not to think about it.  Finally that night I couldn't take it anymore.  The boys were at Mom and Dad's and I was at the hotel with Jeff.  We were on seperate beds (funny, huh?  what can I say??  We like our space when it's available! Ha!).  I was watching TV and he was looking at work stuff on the computer.  I couldn't even say it out loud to him... so I sent him a text message telling him "Surprise!  We are getting a 3rd baby sooner than later!".  Of course, he was in a bit of disbelief himself and pretty much sat shocked for half a second.  I immediately started sobbing because this was too soon and I wasn't ready.  Jeff was amazing right there from the beginning.  He kept saying, "Don't cry, this is a happy thing!  I'm happy!" 

Looking back, I feel so horrible because I was not excited about Molly right from the start.  Honestly though, it didn't take long for me to get on board with Jeff and be excited about our 3rd baby.  What choice did I really have anyway?  It was coming, ready or not... I really was happy once the initial shock wore off.  We were having a 3rd baby and now we had to announce it to the rest of the family.... .........  ....... Yeah...... how were they going to react to this news????


"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" --1 Thessalonians 5:18

A blog for Molly

February 10, 2013

This weekend was a little tough for me as I remembered Molly on her 2 month birthday yesterday, while most of the other people in our lives didn't even realize it.  Don't get me wrong... I'm not mad at anyone who didn't realize this... why would they?  Life is so busy that I honestly don't blame them.  However, I couldn't think about anything else before and after the day as it came.

I'm starting this blog for a number of reasons.  First of all, I as Molly's mom, have A LOT of jumbled up thoughts, feelings and emotions since losing her and writing and blogging is a bit of an outlet to organize everything that I'm thinking.  Another reason for it is I want to glorify God.  Plain and simple really.  Molly touched many lives during her brief moment on Earth, mine being the first.  I want to tell the world what this sweet baby has done in an effort to bring others to Christ or make their relationship with Him better.  I have been a Christian since I was 8, but I can tell you that I've never felt closer to Jesus than I do right now.  If that's not God working all things together for good and for His glory, I don't know what is.  And the last reason for this blog is just to share Molly's story.  I want people to know what happened.  I want them to know that I'm ok.  I want them to know I'm still sad and I'm still grieving my baby girl.  I feel a need to validate her short life to others who might think I should be over her death already.  I want them to know that I will never be the same and I will always feel a part of me is missing.  I know that my life will never be the same, but that doesn't mean I won't ever have joy or hope again.  This will most likely document my journey to that joy and hope. 

I love to talk about Molly and we do at our house.  My husband and our little boys are always thinking about her and we all say what's on our minds and I love that.  I am also aware that some people are just uncomfortable talking about her, or they don't want to make me sad or it's too sad to them.  I would never force people to talk about her or look at her pictures, but I want them to know that I always want to talk about her and remember her.  I will never forget her and I guess I kind of hope other people will not want to forget her either.  I may cry or not, or be sad or not.... but I'm ok with that! As long as they are ok with it too. 

I could go on about everything above forever.... I can't stop constantly wanting to shout that "Molly's life mattered!".  I know you get the point... So, next post... our story will start!  Until then, say your prayers and give whatever is on your mind to God.  He hears you when you pray whole heartedly according to His will and He wants to give you everything you long for. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Matthew 11:24