NICU Survival Kits

So the week before Caleb arrived we got  to bring 6 survival kits to the NICU!  We were so excited to finally get some up there and so were they.  The doctors and nurses were more than gracious to receive them which made us walk away with such a positive feeling.  So, I plan to get these details on the website as soon as I can, but for now you can see it here.  It costs us approximately $20 to $25 to make one basket.  We try to include a wide variety of items so that they are both practical and full of hope.  We want to meet needs both physical and spiritual as best we can.  


Here is what they look like:

Boy Survival Kit

Girl Survival Kit

 We made boy and girl kits because we had a card and cross that we included that were girl or boy colored.  Since we didn't want to give the family of a little boy a pink cross, we separated them, but we could just as easily do gender neutral baskets.  Keep in mind that these will be ever changing baskets.  No two will be exactly alike, but this is just one example for us to use. 

Every basket get a postcard that looks like this

And this is a letter to the family on the back of the postcard

 

We included water bottles with flavor drink mixes, peanut butter crackers and chocolate candy. You can always use water when you spend your days (and nights) at the NICU, some protein and carbs to sustain you between meals in the crackers and during stressful situations you can always use some chocolate (or if you just need a sugar pick-me-up). 

We also included some anti bacterial wipes, anti bacterial hand soap, lotion, Kleenex and mouth wash.  There is always something you wish you had a wipe to clean (even if it's your hands) in the hospital, hand gel because when it comes to the NICU, you can never keep your hands clean enough, lotion because when you wash your hands 75 times a day they tend to get pretty dry and mouth wash because you never know how long you will have to go without brushing your teeth and it's always nice to freshen up.



Also, included are hopeful items like our Survival Kit postcard to remind you that you are not alone, someone is praying for you and that there is hope in the Lord, a notepad with pen to write down memories, thoughts, emotions, bible verses people tell you, contact info or anything else you may need it for, a cross ornament just to serve as a reminder whether it's to have faith, keep your hope or focus on the blessing and faith cards to keep in your wallet or pocket to do the same.

 We and several other prayed over these kits.  We prayed for the families they would go to and for the doctors and nurses to have discernment over who to give them to.  We have heard a couple stories from the staff about the families that have received them so far and about how they are happy to have them to give away. We are hoping to be able to make a delivery of kits to the NICU once a month.   Please pray for us and our foundation  and everyone involved with it as we are still figuring everything out and trying to grow.  It's such a blessing to us to be able to bless somebody else!  There is divine healing in it as well.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we received from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

My precious Caleb is born

I feel like I have so much on my mind and that I want to share and write about... Jon's Run, our NICU basket delivery, my last weeks of pregnancy....  But I have really had to fight for this time (and energy... we are lacking sleep AND energy these days) to write and I want to focus on my sweet baby Caleb who came into our world 3 weeks ago today.  Wow!  This sweet boy is 3 weeks old already!  I just want the newness and details of my feelings and emotions to still be fresh on my mind so that they will be documented accurately because it's something I don't want to forget. 


Caleb Riley Kirkwood
June 6th, 2014, 2:55 a.m.
7 pounds 4 ounces, 20-5/8 inches

I was scheduled to go in for a C-section with Caleb on Monday June 9th.  I knew I definitely wanted a c-section (I'm not sure I could've found anyone to let me VBAC a 2nd time anyways) because I didn't think I could emotionally handle the uncertainty of a vaginal birth.  This assumption was right because I unexpectedly experienced a spontaneous start to the birth. 

True to my usual self, I had a C-section planned for a Monday so I would do all of our washing, cleaning and preparing to leave the house in somebody else's hands for a few days over the weekend.  This was going to be the first birth that was totally planned and I would have everything taken care of for.  God laughed at my plans because he had a different birthday in mind.  I had an extremely busy day Thursday... like I was gone from 7:30 that morning until 10:30 that night.  I did manage to fit in a mani/pedi, so luckily I had that done before he was born... but I got home completely exhausted.  I watched the end of the Spurs game that sent them to the championship finals, took a shower and sat down to eat a snack and watch 10 minutes of TV before bed.  However, before I sat down I suddenly felt a warm trickle down my leg.  For a brief moment I thought I'd waited too long to go to the bathroom, but then I realized I had no control over it so my water must've broke.  I could feel the panic rising slowly in me as I walked in the other room to tell Jeff, who really didn't believe me at first.  I guess he thought I peed on myself as well??!? 

A perfect picture portraying all my babies

I can't lie... I had myself a little 10 minute panic/cry session as I stood in the shower with water trickling out in disbelief.  I immediately started praying and asking God why this was happening.  I mean, I'm still convinced that Molly's distress and lack of oxygen began when my water broke and that was the first thing that started flashing across my mind.  Yes, I asked God why this was happening, but whether I knew why or not, there was a baby coming and I needed to move forward from the 'why' question.  So after I panicked, I was just praying for emotional and physical strength and for the doctors and nurses on staff that night. I didn't know what else to pray because my mind was spinning, but I knew that Jesus knew what I needed and I gave that to him.  It was as if he immediately wrapped his comforting arms around me, allowing me to get out of the panic mode and into practical-get-ready-to-go-to-the-hospital mode.  I'm sure it was actually pretty funny if you were a fly on the wall watching me try and get a hospital bag together because of course I hadn't done that... This was only Thursday and we weren't supposed to be at the hospital until Monday.  Ha!  As I'm waddling around with a towel between my legs, I realize the only clean clothes I have are pajamas... because all our laundry was dirty!  So I wore PJ's to the hospital and I packed PJ's... I would just end up getting my mom to go wash some underwear and an outfit for me and bring it to the hospital before we left.  I did have Caleb some clothes out to bring to the hospital, so that was good at least. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will makes your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

The newest member of the fightin' Texas Aggie class of 2036!  Whoop!!!

There must've been a full moon that night because Labor and Delivery was hoppin!  We got there about 11:30 p.m. and had to "wait in line" for a C-section behind 3 other people.  And there were 2 people behind me!  Looooong night for those poor doctors and nurses.  I was really nervous waiting to get back there... They were monitoring Caleb and I was starting to have contractions where his heart rate would dip some, or he would move around where we couldn't find it for a brief moment... There is no way I could've gone through a vaginal birth... it was hard enough to wait a couple hours for surgery.  It was finally my turn and I was a ball of nerves, but my doctor (who was actually not my doc... didn't know the on call doc, but I was gonna trust God on this) and nurses were cool as cucumbers.  Jeff remembers hearing a Hootie and the Blowfish song and I remember hearing Jessica Simpson's 'With You' song.. anybody remember that oldie?  At least I think that's the name of it.  I heard about and saw pictures of the doctors daughter who had just called and was at lunch or something in India along with more crazy conversation.  I guess that's just what they do when performing surgery at 3 in the morning.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no shadow or variation due to change."  James 1:17

Then came the moment I'd been anxiously waiting for.  The doctor announced that it looked like I had a little blondie and next thing I knew I was hearing Caleb's sweet little newborn cry.  Oh what sweet sound!!!   I was definitely praising and thanking God in that very moment.  I still am.  Jeff brought him over and my first thought when I saw him was how sweet he looked and how I never saw Molly's face like this, without tubes and tape, until she passed away.  And the tears began to flow. 

My sweet little every day reminder of how precious life is.  Also, a reminder to thank God every day for all he has given me and a reminder of His infinite love.  These are things I think of every time I look at my gift from God, Caleb.

There are things about Caleb that remind me of Molly... his darker complexion, the shape of his head... when we were in the hospital I would look at him sleep and think about how much those closed eyes look like Molly.  Especially that first picture taken of her the day she was born... they resemble each other.  Maybe that's just the sentimental and hopeful mommy in me, but that's ok.  :)  One of the hard days was when he was 8 days old.  I remember thinking he'd made it longer in the world than Molly, and for a moment it broke my heart all over again.  I had all these emotions, sweet and sorrowful, but at least I know at the end of the day where my hope lies.  I have so much to be thankful for!  God is good!

Talk about a bittersweet picture of sorrowful joy, this is it.  Love my babies and miss the one in heaven <3

Logan and Hunter love their baby brother so much and it melts my heart every time I see that love... whether its a kiss, wanting to hold him, wanting to help with him or wanting to include him in their playtime.  I love it! 

Caleb Riley is a true blessing to our family and we can't express how thankful we are.  I can't help but wonder what God's plans are for this little guy.  I pray we can be parents who help lead all of our boys to God's plan and will for their lives.  Hard to imagine anybody loving these boys more than we do, but God does... and they are his children first, on loan to us to lead them to HIM.  My heart is overflowing with love and joy!  Thank you Jesus!

Team Molly, Year 2



Thank you Tracy Babb for this big group photo!!

Guess what?  It's time for Jon's Run again!  Jon's Run is a 5K that was started because of one family who lost their baby to SIDS 12 years ago.  I happen to know Jon's mom, she was my choir teacher in middle school.  It's crazy the connection we share today.  They host this 5K to remember their son, Jon Carl Stephenson and raise funds that benefit Any Baby Can of San Antonio Center for Infant and Child loss.  There are many others who have also joined them in remembering lost children as well.  We are one of those families and this will be our second year to participate.  Last year was a really amazing time and I hope we have a great turnout again.  If you would like to walk/run with us here is the registration site:  http://carreraraces.com/teamhome.asp?TID=399.  We are Team Molly and our team code is: TeamM904.  It takes place on Saturday May 10, 2014 at Éilan Hotel Resort & Spa located on La Cantera Parkway.  The kids fun run will take place at 8:00 am and the 5K will begin at 8:30.  I have to admit that I can't wait to remember Molly and celebrate her little life and the impact it's had on the world.  God is so good!  He has turned sin, death in the world, into something good.  I'm so glad I serve a God that is that powerful and sovereign.

Last year we got shirts for our team and we want to do the same this year, but we have something different in mind.  Lots of you know that we have started The Molly June Foundation, whose primary mission is to support families in the NICU at North Central Baptist Hospital by supplying survival kits.  We hope to grow into much more someday, but right now we serve those closest to us.  We are trying to put together a T-shirt for people to buy where a portion of the proceeds will benefit the foundation.  That way, people who are walking with us could buy one, but also the people who aren't able to walk can still buy one and benefit our foundation.  I will let everyone know when that's ready.  In the meantime, register to walk with us on May 10!  We would love to have you as part of Team Molly. 

  'Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

The anxiety of figuring out who I am now

As my current pregnancy progresses, my anxiety about the delivery and the hospital stay and adding to our family increases.  I don't know how to go through pregnancy and delivery after having a loss... I've never don't it before.  And I can't help but wish I had Molly here to welcome her new baby brother.  I can't help the thought of a 1 in a million accident or situation occurring that would compromise this baby boy's life.  I find myself shying away more and more from talking about any feelings that might be negative because who wants to be the "Debbie Downer"?  I don't... people get uncomfortable and don't know what to say and feel sorry for me and while its normal reactions and I get it because I've been there, I don't want to be that "downer".  I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night, a show I've watched since its first season.  There is a scene that is a completely different situation than mine, yet I relate to it.  Arizona, a very happy and spunky girl loses her leg in a plane crash and her whole life is changed.  She doesn't wake up happy and spunky anymore and has to learn who this new person that doesn't wake up happy is and how to deal.  Anyway, she gave a little speech on how she is a different person now and she has to work harder at being happy, but she has come to realize she doesn't need much for that... Here is the link to the clip (which will go into another scene with Owen and Christina... I'm only talking about Arizona's little speech to Callie here).

http://abc.go.com/shows/greys-anatomy/video/most-recent/VDKA0_17dxg4q0

Sorry... too recent to be able to upload it as a video.  The reason I relate though is because I was almost naïve about something so big and life changing.  I thought, sure bad things happen to people and that really stinks, but with time they get over it and are the same person they were before.  That's just not true.  Not that I have to work hard to wake up happy, I'm generally a happy person.... but I have to work a little harder at being happy for someone's new pregnancy... or babies... I love babies, always have and still do... don't get me wrong!  But some days there is just a part of me that feels exhausted to be excited about those things when even after 15 months of losing mine, it still feels like yesterday and I just want to cry.  Sometimes I do cry.  I am always happy for people and their babies and I love babies and holding them... what I am saying is that some days more than others, its hard thinking of other babies without thinking about mine.  I am figuring out who this new person I am is because I don't think I will ever be the same person I was before in so many different ways. 

There is a song called "Oceans" and it's about having faith as you face and unknown future.  It's about leaning on God because you can't carry yourself.  It's about you being God's child and He is your father, therefore he will take care of you.  It's about God's grace and you stumble through this life.  And it's about keeping your eyes on him in order to stay above water... just like Peter when he walked on water.  (Matthew 14:22-33)  This song can apply to so many lives and so many situations... maybe it applies to yours in a different way than mine.  It still carries the same message... God is calling us to have true faith in the toughest that life has to offer.

Hillsong United - Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), feat. Taya Smith from bobmarshall on GodTube.

Today we brought new flowers to Molly.  It blesses my heart so so much when I see my boys happy to take Molly new flowers and talk about her.  Logan talks about her and heaven with such a happiness and joy... I think in his eyes Molly is in a wonderful place and he knows we will see her again someday, so he is happy and content with that.  If we could all see things through the clear eyes of a child.. Makes so much sense!  He can talk about Molly in heaven without shedding a tear, but with a smile. Love these boys... Can't wait to welcome their baby brother!
 

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.     

Life just keeps going

Oh my goodness, some days I just get so overwhelmed with so many different thoughts and feelings and today is one of those days... I'm just going to dive right in. 

The world did not stop the day after Molly died, just like it doesn't stop with any death of anyone.  For the people who are close to the person that died, the world may not stop, but you definitely feel a jolt in your world and it's never the same.  There's an empty chair at the breakfast table the next day or one less person to take care of or one less interaction during the day.  Obviously Molly was not here long enough for those things, but in my case every day is one more dream I had for her going unfulfilled. I can't believe how much I miss her and the dreams I had for her.  I can't believe how much it feels like part of me is still missing.  Such a tiny girl who was only here for 7 days and it seems so long ago, yet it always kind of feels like it just happened. The ache I feel today has definitely become a little more dull and less often than the beginning, but the days I feel it or when something unexpectedly triggers it always feels raw and emotional all over again.  So today, as I shed a few tears over the things that will never be, it pushes me that much harder to the cross and the hope that lies in it.  I can't express the intensity of the push, I've never been pushed this hard before and I can't say I enjoy it.  I know this is part of God's purpose of Molly's life and His plan for mine and I keep thinking of Jesus' disciples who were persecuted and died because they loved Jesus that much.  I am obviously not being persecuted for my beliefs, but my point is sometimes following and trusting Jesus is hard.  Suffering and brokenness are a blessing, but they are hard... that's why they're a blessing.  One way I think about it is a race or a goal, that you're not totally sure you can finish... and it's hard and it's tiring, but the longer and harder you have to work at it , the more it makes the feeling at the finish line or completed goal that much sweeter.  Your accomplishment wouldn't feel as big or rewarding if it was easy. 

"...we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and HOPE DOES NOT DISSAPPOINT us, because God's love has been poured in our hearts through the holy spirit which has been given to us."  -Romans 5:3-5

Not the way I would've chosen to produce endurance, character and hope in Christ, but it was God's choice and I'm trusting that he knows best.  Thank you God for creating a thirst for Jesus in me!

Headed into the wonderful world of BOYS!  (as if we haven't already been there the past 5 years... ha!)

 

Speaking of trusting God... hehe.. Lots of people are curious to how I feel about becoming a mommy to a third baby boy.  I feel like the question on everyone's mind is "am I disappointed that we will be getting another boy?"  My answer: NOWAY!   I am completely in love with this little man already!  Don't get me wrong, I did have a moment after finding out the gender where I was disappointed.  After all, the only little girl I was given was taken away.  The moment of disappointment was followed by a very brief moment of relief.  Does that sound weird?  If I were to be having another girl, would I be replacing my sweet Molly?  Would she not be as special?  Would I have more fear during this pregnancy than I already do?  I don't really know the answer to these questions, because we aren't having a girl and I'm glad I don't feel the burden of these.  All of this was overwhelmingly followed with thoughts (no doubt from God) about how special this sweet boy would be.  God must have something really big and amazing planned for him because if Molly were here, and I'm just being honest, but there is a good chance this third son wouldn't be.  Even if we planned on having more children after Molly, I don't know if it would be so soon.  ;)  God has a great plan for this kid who will be born exactly when God wanted serving the purpose of God's will.  I could daydream about this little guy and what his life will be all day long!  No matter what he does or is, I will know that's it's all part of something bigger.  And another side note, I've decided to completely embrace my boy mom status.  I'm so excited for sports and games and the crazy loud wonderful chaos that comes with trying to raise Godly men in an ungodly world.  Some are reading this thinking that I'm trying to convince myself of these things, but I don't think I could write it for all to see until I felt it completely.  Thank you God for the peace and passion you've given me for my boys!  I love them and am so thankful for the gift of them!!

LOVE my goofy guys so much it hurts!

Has it been 11 months??

Well, it has not quite been 11 months, but almost.... November 9 will be Molly's 11 month birthday.  I remember thinking at Molly's 1 month birthday that I wish I was at 6 or 12 months out because I couldn't imagine life at that moment not hurting as bad as it did.  I knew surely it was a little more bearable though.  I was right.  It's even kind of hard to admit that.  I don't always even want the hurt to be completely gone, because it makes me feel a false guilt that maybe I'm forgetting my sweet Molly.  I know that would never be true, but Satan can attack your weakest areas and at times and that's one of mine.  The thought that we are having too much fun, laughing too much, haven't been to her graveside enough, don't talk about her enough....  Through those thoughts I can hear the holy spirit whispering to my heart that none of that is true.  I will always love Molly, even if life does get a little easier. 

Obviously if Molly's 11 month birthday is coming up, so is her 1st birthday.  We wanted to do something for her birthday that would bless others the way we were blessed a year ago.  So, for the month of November (and beginning of December) we would like to make a donation in honor of our Molly June to Threads of Love.  Please go to our website, www.MollyJune.org, to learn more about it.  We want to take the day of December 9th this year to help others while we remember Molly.  Please don't feel pressure to do this, but if you can or feel led, please help us.  The Threads of Love chapter that we will be donating to seems to really be struggling and I feel this would be a huge blessing.  Thank you family and friends!  We can always count on you to be there for us!

Every man shall give as he is able, according to the blessing of the Lord your God which He has given you.   Deuteronomy16:17

P.S. I'm hoping I can start doing a little more blogging again soon.  Since moving we still have not set up any kind of computer and it's not easy to do a lot of writing on an iPad (at least it's not my preferance).   Good night and hope to hear from all of you soon!

Hit with a new wave

The balloons we released at Jon's Run with messages to our kids in heaven

It's been awhile since I've written because I seem to have been quite busy lately, the boys and I have stayed sick the last month, and also because I've spent time just reflecting and thinking.  Now there is a lot on my mind and I want to get it out!  Haha!  Sorry folks.... here it goes...

The littlest race runners supporting Team Molly (there were more, I just wasn't very good at getting pictures)

Emma and her Mommy supporting Team Molly in her pink tutu!  Love it!

 First, we represented Team Molly so well at Jon's Run.  I know she was so proud of all of us!  We had many people come out and participate and support us and just love on our family as we remembered Molly and I'm so grateful for everyone.  We will definitely be doing it again next year, so keep it in mind!!

Logan went home sick and couldn't be in this picture, but we missed him and thought about him... He LOVED his little sister so very much!

I got through Mother's Day and honestly I'm so blessed to have my two crazy little boys.  I know there are those out there who go through losing a child and have no other children and my heart hurts for them just thinking about that.  I have two crazy little boys, but I'm still a mother to three. 

Went to visit our girl on Mother's Day... Miss her so much!  (Btw, we are going to get her headstone done, I'm just apparently too picky)

I know I've talked about how I've learned that grief comes in waves and just when you think you're doing well, you're hit with another wave.  I have been doing well, so you know what that means.... I just got hit with another new and big wave the last couple weeks.  In the beginning, my grief was mostly shock and denial and just thinking how could something this bad happen to us, then I was hit with mounds of sadness the next few months following that.  I was so sad thinking about how old Molly would be, the milestones she would be hitting and just thinking about what she was missing out on.  And if I'm really being honest, I just missed my baby that I didn't get hold very long.  I just wanted to hold her and rock her again.  Molly would've been 6 months old yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long since her birth.  I still miss my girl and think about what she would be doing at this milestone and what color her eyes would be, how much hair she would have and how many battle scars she would've accumulated from her brothers.  While I still have that kind of grief in my head and new kind has entered as well.  I have this new fear for Logan and Hunter and their lives.  Before having Molly, I was the type of person who knew there was risk in life, but that wasn't going to stop me from living.  Now, while I don't think I let those risks stop me from living, they definitely give me anxiety I never had before.  The thought of losing one of my boys shakes me to the core.  I fear making wrong decisions for them from what they eat to where they go to who they go with.  I was telling a friend the other day about a fear I had of turning into traffic one day.  It was traffic hour and I needed to cross the road and go left and all I could think was that if I go at the wrong time, I could cause an accident and take my kids lives all at the same time.  I'm not so crazy (I know it sounds like I am) that I don't go ahead and take the risk, but the thought process I go through that wasn't there before is unreal.  Just another thing God is helping me get through.  I know this is not logical and I know the truth.  I know it's all in God's timing, but the devil works his way into my mind however he can.  Satan can do all he wants to "mess with" the world, but I know that God ultimately holds the keys to death.  Meaning, God decides who and when you walk through deaths door.  Satan and sin may have had a role leading to someone's death, but it's ultimately God who opens that door or keeps it closed.  It is His will and His will alone.  So, while I try to do all I'm capable of to keep my kids safe, if God is ready to call them home there is nothing I can do stand in the way.  I have so often thought that it was a sign that I couldn't find a doctor for so long to let me do a VBAC and that if I would've just "listened" to that sign I would have had a C-section for Molly, probably the week before she came and she'd be here today happy and healthy.  In reality, this isn't the case.  God decided it was time for Molly to come home and the means by which he takes her doesn't make a difference.  He would have found another way to call her home. 

"Do not be afraid.  I am the First and the Last.  I am the Living One;  I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever!  And I hold the keys of death and Hades"  (Revelation 1:17-18)

I'm so thankful for a God who has so much love, grace and compassion for me.  I feel like He opens my eyes more and more every day to learn about Him and love Him.  My mind feels so small, like I can never have enough knowledge, can never have enough prayer, can never have enough of a releationship with Him.  He has poured in me a thirst for Jesus and to be like Him as much as I possibly can. I'm so thankful for God's patience the last 30 years (oh yeah, did I mention I recently celebrated a significant birthday??) as I was so stubborn in my relationship with Him.  Only by His grace am I here today.

I hurt so much because I loved so much.  I'm thankful for Molly, for showing me so many things I never knew was in my heart before.