My precious Caleb is born

I feel like I have so much on my mind and that I want to share and write about... Jon's Run, our NICU basket delivery, my last weeks of pregnancy....  But I have really had to fight for this time (and energy... we are lacking sleep AND energy these days) to write and I want to focus on my sweet baby Caleb who came into our world 3 weeks ago today.  Wow!  This sweet boy is 3 weeks old already!  I just want the newness and details of my feelings and emotions to still be fresh on my mind so that they will be documented accurately because it's something I don't want to forget. 


Caleb Riley Kirkwood
June 6th, 2014, 2:55 a.m.
7 pounds 4 ounces, 20-5/8 inches

I was scheduled to go in for a C-section with Caleb on Monday June 9th.  I knew I definitely wanted a c-section (I'm not sure I could've found anyone to let me VBAC a 2nd time anyways) because I didn't think I could emotionally handle the uncertainty of a vaginal birth.  This assumption was right because I unexpectedly experienced a spontaneous start to the birth. 

True to my usual self, I had a C-section planned for a Monday so I would do all of our washing, cleaning and preparing to leave the house in somebody else's hands for a few days over the weekend.  This was going to be the first birth that was totally planned and I would have everything taken care of for.  God laughed at my plans because he had a different birthday in mind.  I had an extremely busy day Thursday... like I was gone from 7:30 that morning until 10:30 that night.  I did manage to fit in a mani/pedi, so luckily I had that done before he was born... but I got home completely exhausted.  I watched the end of the Spurs game that sent them to the championship finals, took a shower and sat down to eat a snack and watch 10 minutes of TV before bed.  However, before I sat down I suddenly felt a warm trickle down my leg.  For a brief moment I thought I'd waited too long to go to the bathroom, but then I realized I had no control over it so my water must've broke.  I could feel the panic rising slowly in me as I walked in the other room to tell Jeff, who really didn't believe me at first.  I guess he thought I peed on myself as well??!? 

A perfect picture portraying all my babies

I can't lie... I had myself a little 10 minute panic/cry session as I stood in the shower with water trickling out in disbelief.  I immediately started praying and asking God why this was happening.  I mean, I'm still convinced that Molly's distress and lack of oxygen began when my water broke and that was the first thing that started flashing across my mind.  Yes, I asked God why this was happening, but whether I knew why or not, there was a baby coming and I needed to move forward from the 'why' question.  So after I panicked, I was just praying for emotional and physical strength and for the doctors and nurses on staff that night. I didn't know what else to pray because my mind was spinning, but I knew that Jesus knew what I needed and I gave that to him.  It was as if he immediately wrapped his comforting arms around me, allowing me to get out of the panic mode and into practical-get-ready-to-go-to-the-hospital mode.  I'm sure it was actually pretty funny if you were a fly on the wall watching me try and get a hospital bag together because of course I hadn't done that... This was only Thursday and we weren't supposed to be at the hospital until Monday.  Ha!  As I'm waddling around with a towel between my legs, I realize the only clean clothes I have are pajamas... because all our laundry was dirty!  So I wore PJ's to the hospital and I packed PJ's... I would just end up getting my mom to go wash some underwear and an outfit for me and bring it to the hospital before we left.  I did have Caleb some clothes out to bring to the hospital, so that was good at least. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will makes your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

The newest member of the fightin' Texas Aggie class of 2036!  Whoop!!!

There must've been a full moon that night because Labor and Delivery was hoppin!  We got there about 11:30 p.m. and had to "wait in line" for a C-section behind 3 other people.  And there were 2 people behind me!  Looooong night for those poor doctors and nurses.  I was really nervous waiting to get back there... They were monitoring Caleb and I was starting to have contractions where his heart rate would dip some, or he would move around where we couldn't find it for a brief moment... There is no way I could've gone through a vaginal birth... it was hard enough to wait a couple hours for surgery.  It was finally my turn and I was a ball of nerves, but my doctor (who was actually not my doc... didn't know the on call doc, but I was gonna trust God on this) and nurses were cool as cucumbers.  Jeff remembers hearing a Hootie and the Blowfish song and I remember hearing Jessica Simpson's 'With You' song.. anybody remember that oldie?  At least I think that's the name of it.  I heard about and saw pictures of the doctors daughter who had just called and was at lunch or something in India along with more crazy conversation.  I guess that's just what they do when performing surgery at 3 in the morning.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no shadow or variation due to change."  James 1:17

Then came the moment I'd been anxiously waiting for.  The doctor announced that it looked like I had a little blondie and next thing I knew I was hearing Caleb's sweet little newborn cry.  Oh what sweet sound!!!   I was definitely praising and thanking God in that very moment.  I still am.  Jeff brought him over and my first thought when I saw him was how sweet he looked and how I never saw Molly's face like this, without tubes and tape, until she passed away.  And the tears began to flow. 

My sweet little every day reminder of how precious life is.  Also, a reminder to thank God every day for all he has given me and a reminder of His infinite love.  These are things I think of every time I look at my gift from God, Caleb.

There are things about Caleb that remind me of Molly... his darker complexion, the shape of his head... when we were in the hospital I would look at him sleep and think about how much those closed eyes look like Molly.  Especially that first picture taken of her the day she was born... they resemble each other.  Maybe that's just the sentimental and hopeful mommy in me, but that's ok.  :)  One of the hard days was when he was 8 days old.  I remember thinking he'd made it longer in the world than Molly, and for a moment it broke my heart all over again.  I had all these emotions, sweet and sorrowful, but at least I know at the end of the day where my hope lies.  I have so much to be thankful for!  God is good!

Talk about a bittersweet picture of sorrowful joy, this is it.  Love my babies and miss the one in heaven <3

Logan and Hunter love their baby brother so much and it melts my heart every time I see that love... whether its a kiss, wanting to hold him, wanting to help with him or wanting to include him in their playtime.  I love it! 

Caleb Riley is a true blessing to our family and we can't express how thankful we are.  I can't help but wonder what God's plans are for this little guy.  I pray we can be parents who help lead all of our boys to God's plan and will for their lives.  Hard to imagine anybody loving these boys more than we do, but God does... and they are his children first, on loan to us to lead them to HIM.  My heart is overflowing with love and joy!  Thank you Jesus!